References
by Bobbie23
Summary: Olivia realises how much support she has for becoming a mother.
1. Chapter 1

**Author Note – I got this weird idea when I watched an episode of **_**Friends. **_**It somehow transferred to SVU. Anyway I hope you enjoy…let me know if you want me to continue. **

**Disclaimer – I don't own **_**Law and Order: Special Victims Unit **_**or any of its' characters.**

References

"_When you hold your baby in your arms the first time, and you think of all the things you can say and do to influence him, it's a tremendous responsibility. What you do with him can influence not only him, but everyone he meets and not for a day or a month or a year but for time and eternity." - Rose Kennedy _

Noah squealed happily as Judge Linden tickled him. One hand patted her cheek gently; the other was planted in his mouth while he bounced on his feet as he stood on her lap. Olivia watched the scene with a smile on her face, wishing she could be as relaxed as her son at that moment.

Her hand was holding down her knee to stop it from bouncing nervously. The judge had called her out of the blue yesterday and asked her to bring Noah in for an unscheduled meeting. She hadn't given her any details as to what prompted the request and Olivia had been pacing the apartment late into the night trying to figure out if she had done anything wrong.

All of the meetings with the social worker had been fine. She was quite positive considering Olivia's long hours. Olivia thought everything was on schedule for her to adopt Noah…until the phone call that came the day before. Requesting she brought Noah to see Linden. Olivia accepted the 'invitation', wanting nothing to affect her status as Noah's foster mother.

"He's really something. You're doing a fabulous job with him," Linden said looking over Noah's shoulder at Olivia. "There's no reason to be so nervous Olivia."

"It's just when you called yesterday…"

Linden nodded understandingly, holding up a hand to stop her. "You've done nothing wrong. I wanted to meet with you both because I've read the social worker's glowing reports and I wanted to see it for myself."

She shifted Noah so that he was sitting in her lap, facing Olivia, as she picked up his teddy bear from her desk to keep him occupied while she spoke to Olivia. Noah drooled around his hand as he smiled at Olivia, and Linden seemed unfazed by it as she bounced him lightly. Once Noah was fully engaged with the stuffed toy, Linden reached for a stack of papers.

"Noah has been with you for four months now, and I see he's finding his feet."

Olivia smiled when Noah looked up at the judge upon hearing his name. "He's still crawling at the moment, but he's starting to pull himself up on the furniture and he can walk a few steps by holding on. But whenever I hold hands he'll just stand there."

"He'll get there soon," Linden reassured her. "All of my children and grandchildren did. Be ready when does, because everything will have to go up high."

"The apartment has been baby proofed, and thankfully all on one level."

Noah chose that moment to let out a squeal and hold his hands out to Olivia. "Ma," he said wriggling uncomfortably.

Linden smiled and stood with Noah in her arms to hand him over. Olivia accepted him, pressing a kiss to his cheek to calm him when she felt the heat of his skin. She balanced him on her knee and reached into her bag for the chilled soother.

"He's been teething," Linden said knowingly.

"Yeah, his gums have been irritating him at night," Olivia replied, offering Noah the pacifier who started sucking eagerly for relief.

Linden watched the moment with tender expression. "You're doing a wonderfully, which is why I asked you to meet with me. I know I put you on the spot in the court room when I asked you to take Noah, and I understand how nerve wracking it can. I know you had some doubts when you first took on this responsibility."

Olivia frowned when Linden sorted through the papers she had picked up, wondering what the judge was looking for.

"Yesterday these were delivered to me, all sealed in envelopes, by a Special Investigator from the courthouse," she flashed the papers at Olivia. "Now I never asked him to do this, he did this of his own accord. But he wanted me to know how much support you have in taking care of Noah."

_Special Investigator. Munch._

Olivia opened her mouth but no words came out as she tried to fathom what the judge was telling her. He had been the only she had talked to about having kids. Recently anyway. She missed him around the squad room, even his conspiracy theories.

Fin, Nick and Amanda had all been supportive of her decision to adopt Noah, but she didn't tell them before agreeing to the judge's offer. Nick and Fin had even put together the nursery furniture for her and baby proofed the apartment.

Linden waved the stack of papers at her again. "These are references from several people, acquaintances of yours. They were a compelling reading."

Olivia had to look away, suddenly unsure what people would, could, have said about her to compel Linden to call a meeting with her.

"Olivia," she called softly to get her attention. "A lot of people are happy for you, and think I made the right decision when it comes to you and Noah. I don't do this, I shouldn't do this, but I thought you should know how much backing you have."

Olivia accepted the papers with a dumbfounded expression on her face. She eyed the stack of papers warily, slightly embarrassed by the sheer amount of letters there. No one had ever done anything like this for her before. Her eyes began to water from the sweet gesture that Munch had done for her. She blinked and managed to keep them at bay.

Noah patted her cheek to get her attention and she gave him a squeeze to reassure him. Looking up she saw Linden smiling kindly at her.

"Now I'm sorry to cut this visit short but I'm due in court," Linden said, standing from her chair and walking out from behind the desk. She bent over to stroke Noah's cheek. "He really is a credit to you. Don't be afraid to call, if have any questions. I'll see you both soon."

Olivia stood with Noah and shouldered the diaper bag, tucking the letters safely inside. "Thank you for this."

Linden laid a hand on her wrist. "Those letters reinforced the opinion I already had; I hope they do the same for you."

….

Hours later Olivia sat on the sofa. She spent the rest of the day with Noah, making up for the long hours she spent at work. She managed to ignore the magnetic draw of the letters from where they were in the diaper bag all afternoon.

Noah was finally asleep and she tidied away the toys they had been playing with before his bath. She relaxed back into the cushions and dragged the bag towards her, unable to quell her curiosity any more. Opening it, she ran a finger over them in trepidation. Biting her lip she curled her hand around them and took them out. Flicking through them she only registered the authors of them at first.

Fin. Nick. Amanda. Munch. Cragen.

Olivia stopped when she read the name on the next one. Her heart seemed to stop as she re-read the name and the signature she would recognize anywhere.

_Elliot._


	2. Chapter 2

References – chapter two

"_Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.__" - Gloria Naylor_

Fin walked in to the squad room, sipping from his coffee cup as he walked to his desk. Glancing up he smiled as he saw who was sitting in the chair next to it.

"You can't stay away can you? Every time I think you're gone for good you keep coming back," he said as Munch rose from the chair to greet him. They embraced and patted each other's backs enthusiastically.

Munch gestured to the cup in Fin's hand. "I put on a pot and you're drinking this swill."

"Swill or not it's better than what you call coffee. What are you doing here anyway?"

Munch sighed as he lowered himself carefully back into the seat. "I decided to hand myself in before I was found," he said cryptically.

"What are you on about?" Fin asked, frowning.

"I received a voicemail from Olivia that was half gratitude, half kicking my ass last night. So I thought I better come and see her before she found me."

Fin's frowned deepened. "What did you do?"

"I interfered, my friend, and I don't think it was completely appreciated."

Realisation dawned on Fin's face. "She got called in by Judge Linden yesterday," he told Munch.

"And she found out about the references. Well one in particular anyway."

"Why would she mad at you about it? Who did you ask?"

Munch was prevented from answering because Olivia stepped through the squad room entrance and paused when she saw who was sitting there. Fin looked between his friends, watching the silent standoff.

"What are you doing here Munch?" She asked tensely.

"For the lovely reception," Munch replied sarcastically as he grabbed his cane to help him stand. "You seemed quite eager to talk on the phone, but I thought talking in person might be better."

Olivia stared at him for a beat before nodding her head in the direction of her office and without another word walked through the door leaving it open for Munch to follow her. Munch shared another look with Fin before taking a step in that direction, but Fin placed leant forward and placed a hand on his forearm to stop him.

"Who did you ask?" He asked harshly.

"Elliot," Munch said as he shook of Fin's hand and followed Olivia, leaving Fin at his desk, wide eyed and flabbergasted.

Munch shut the door behind and watched Olivia looking through her bag for something. She pulled out an envelope and placed it on the desk. Her head rose and he didn't shy away from the stare which intimidated many a suspect. She was angry and upset, he didn't expect any less when he'd tracked Elliot down.

"You had no right to interfere. Why did you?"

"Because someone had to," Munch shrugged. "It's gone on for long enough."

"He made that choice, not me," Olivia said brokenly.

Munch nodded. When he met Elliot he witnessed the guilt first hand. He blamed himself, and regretted the decision; it was eating away at him. He had no idea how to fix it. He didn't believe Olivia wanted it fixed. This wouldn't have affected her if she didn't want it fixed.

Olivia sighed, her expression softening. "I appreciate what you've done, I do. No one has ever done anything like that for me before. The letters were all lovely, but why would you go to him?" She asked almost pleadingly.

"Because he knows you better than anyone else."

"He hasn't known me for three years," Olivia shook her head. "He made it very clear that he doesn't want to."

"But he knows how much you want a family," Munch replied. Elliot hadn't told him that, but it was obvious with the longing in the other man's eyes as he readily agreed when Munch told him about the references.

That struck a chord and Olivia was silent again, searching his face, pondering. Munch schooled his features to not give anything away. Olivia had talked to him about children, asked him about regrets because he had let the chance pass him by. It was obvious she didn't want to let it pass her by.

Munch knew the subject came up with Elliot. Sometimes it was the underlying cause of the tension between them. He watched them from day one, knew how close they were, how protective they were. Even after Elliot left Olivia would defend him even though he broke her heart.

Olivia sighed, her head tilted back as she closed her eyes. "Why?" She said out loud. "Why would he do this? After three years of nothing?"

Munch squinted at her, realising it wasn't his question to answer. She didn't want the answer from him anyway. When she brought her head down to face him he could see the unshed tears building. "He wanted to do this for you."

"He shouldn't have," Olivia said, suddenly angry. "I didn't need him to do this."

Watching her now was like watching her back then. Angry, confused and heartbroken. Whatever Elliot had put in that recommendation must have stirred up those feelings for her. Munch knew it would happen when he'd tracked Elliot down.

"How is Noah?" Munch asked hoping to redirect her attention to happier things.

Her lips lifted. "Teething. You could come meet him, you know."

Munch shrugged his shoulders. "Me and the little tyke? I suppose no one is too young to find out the truth about how the government is watching our every move."

Olivia's smile widened as she shook her head. "I'm sure he would love to meet his Uncle John." She sobered again. "I always thought he would be here for this," she admitted quietly.

Munch heard the ache in her voice and he felt for her. "I think he expected to be as well," he consoled her. He cleared his throat, taking a small step towards her desk. "He misses you. And _you_ miss him."

Her tongue darted out to moisten her lips nervously but she didn't say anything to refute his claim. "You went to him, he didn't come to me," Olivia told him.

"He wants to."

Olivia shook her vehemently. "I tried to talk to him and he ignored me."

"I watched you and Elliot for thirteen years. I've seen you fight, shout and scream at one another. But I have never known two people who understand each other better. You chose him to be a part of your family and I know he broke your heart. He doesn't know how to fix it; he thought this would go some way towards apologising. You asked me if I have regrets and I do. And I know that you will always regret it if you don't sort this out."

"Did you read it?" Olivia asked quietly nodding at the envelope, folding her arms over her chest protectively.

**Author Note – Curious to know what Elliot wrote? Thank you all for your lovely comments and your follows and favourites. I must say Munch is a hard character to work with, and this gave me a greater appreciation for Richard Belzer than I had before and believe me that was pretty huge. I hope I've done him justice. Let me know what you think.**


	3. Chapter 3

References – chapter three

'_Missing__ someone is not about how long it has been since you have seen them or the amount of time since you have talked.. it is about that very moment when you are doing something and wishing they were there with you.__' - __ Unknown_

That night Olivia returned home to Noah and her sitter preparing for dinner. Noah lit up when saw her, smiling and waving his hand at her. She returned the smile with a glance at her sitter as she passed her to get to the high chair. Noah lifted his arms to her as soon as she was close enough.

"Ma," he prompted with his arms waving at her.

Olivia's smile grew as she scooped him up into her arms and held him close, inhaling the scent of baby powder. She kissed the crown of his head and he babbled happily at her while snuggling into her arms. She needed this after the last twenty four hours. She just needed to spend time with Noah to focus.

Facing the sitter she found her watching them fondly. "I'll give him dinner, you can get off early."

"If you're sure," the sitter replied, reaching out to stroke Noah's hand where it lay on Olivia's shoulder.

"Go home, enjoy your evening," Olivia insisted.

"Okay I'll see you in the morning," the younger woman replied with a small smile and wave as she gathered her things and left mother and son alone.

The front door clicked closed and Olivia focused her attention on Noah, putting him back into the high chair and taking off her jacket before she finished preparing his dinner. He played with the toys on his tray while the food cooled enough for him to eat it. He looked up when Olivia put a bib around his neck, kicking his legs excitedly as he realised it was dinner time.

Olivia moved around the other side of the counter and sat in a stool, facing him. She scooped up some of the food, touching it to her lip to test the temperature. Noah looked at her in interest, watching the spoon, obviously hungry. She turned the spoon and moved it closer to Noah who eagerly leant forward to eat it. "Mmm," he mumbled as he continued to lean forward for his dinner, finishing it quickly.

Olivia grabbed a couple of baby wipes and cleaned him and the tray before giving him his bear to occupy him while she put his bowl and spoon in the sink. The task kept her mind focused, a contrast to the rest of the day where it kept wandering to the letter in her bag. Thankfully it had been a slow day and she'd been able to get away early. She had no idea why she'd taken it to the precinct, why she still held onto it. Her eyes cast a sideways glance of their own volition to her bag where she left it on the counter. She sighed and ignored the pull to reread it.

'_I worked with Olivia Benson for thirteen years. During my time with the Special Victims Unit, she became a close friend and confidant. '_

She finished cleaning Noah's bowl, rinsing it off under the tap when she heard a soft thud. She looked over her shoulder to see Noah craning his neck to see the floor over the edge of the tray, reaching his arm out to his bear which had fallen on the floor. "Ma," he whined when he figured out he couldn't reach it.

Olivia smiled at him and came around the counter to pick the stuffed animal up. Noah brightened and clapped his hands, giggling when she offered it to him, grabbing it. "Ta," Olivia said to him and smiled when he said it back.

'_She is the most compassionate person I have ever met. She is honest, hard-working, loyal and cares deeply for those fortunate enough to be let into her life. I consider it a privilege to know her.'_

She unclipped the tray and unbuckled Noah. Settling him on her hip she carried him over to the sofa, grabbing her bag on her way. Placing him in the corner, he quickly managed to climb down from the sofa to the floor and started crawling to find his toys on the play mat. She watched him, happy with how content he was. This was what she had always wanted, to be part of a family.

'_In the course of our work I witnessed her working with children as well as interacting with my own children. All of whom respond to her kind, loving nature. I think she would not only be able to provide a loving home for a child, but one that they would thrive in. Any child who is placed with her will be lucky just to have her in their lives, luckier still to have her as their mother.'_

Olivia hadn't been lying to Munch earlier when she expected Elliot to be here when she had one. She didn't add that she expected him to be part of it. She wasn't sure what part she expected him to play. He had been the first one to break through the defences she built around her heart. The one who knew she longed for a family. The one she confided in because he understood.

Her bag sat tauntingly beside her, and she itched to look at the letter. But she resisted and climbed down on to the floor to play with Noah.

A couple of hours later, after bathing and reading to Noah, and putting him in his crib, Olivia allowed herself to give into temptation and took the letter out of the bag. Her eyes roamed the page briefly before falling to the bottom. His contact information.

"_I know that you will always regret it if you don't sort this out."_

Munch's words came back to her. She knew it was stubborn of her but she didn't want to be the one who reached out first. She'd tried it before and Elliot ignored her. She was scared it would happen again, the rejection still hurt when she thought about it. The letter was an apology that he never expected to reach her, never expected her to see. But she could help but feel like it was an invitation.

She reread the letter again. It wasn't until a tear drop hit the paper in her hand that she realised she was crying. Hastily wiping her cheek, she reached for her phone and dialled the number on the paper, pausing before she hit connect. Holding breath as she held the phone to her ear, listening as it rang. One ring became five and she almost hung up before it connected the other end.

"Hi," he said softly into the receiver. He didn't ask who was calling, he knew it was her. Her mind filed that away that piece of information to deal with later.

She closed her eyes as she listened to his breathing, taking some small comfort in it for the first time in three years. She could hear the apology, the regret, the fear in his voice. Olivia blinked again and bit her lip. All of the things she promised herself she would ask if she ever spoke to him again fled her mind. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she spoke.

"You know that you can be a real prick sometimes," she said, her voice hitching. She licked her lips as she tasted fresh tears.

"I know," Elliot replied.

**Author Note – Thank you to all who commented on the last chapter and added the story to their favourite and follow lists. Sorry for the tease. I would love to know what you think of the chapter.**


	4. Chapter 4

References – chapter four

"_I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.__" - Unknown_

Silence hung between them for a long moment. Olivia had no idea what else to say, hadn't expected him to answer the phone. She wondered what he was doing and where he was, but she couldn't concentrate on anything apart from his breathing through the phone. He was there, waiting for her to say something.

"Is there something else you want to say to me other than stating the obvious?" Elliot asked gently.

"Why?" Olivia whispered. She had no idea what she was asking him. Why he left, why he didn't return her phone calls, why he wrote the letter, maybe all of those. He chose to answer the last question.

He breathed in shakily. "Because this is something you've always wanted, and deserve more than anything."

Her eyes fell to the tear stained paper she had discarded on the coffee table. "Thank you for the letter."

"It was the least I could do," he paused. "Did you kill Munch yet?"

Olivia let out a small laugh. "No, I can't believe he did this. I can't believe he got so many."

"I can't believe he didn't get more," Elliot said sincerely. Despite herself she felt the heat creep up her neck, unable to say anything to his compliment. The silence grew awkward, and she heard Elliot swallow uncomfortably. "How's it going with the baby? Munch said he was ten months?"

"It's wonderful," Olivia breathed out with a smile. "He's a happy, bright boy."

"Not surprising. You're his whole world Liv," Elliot replied somewhat wistfully.

Olivia sat a little straight at the compliment coupled with the casual utterance of the nick name he had bestowed on her all those years ago. The conversation was much calmer than she expected it to be, but she didn't want to get upset or angry with Noah in the apartment.

"What's his name?"

"Noah," Olivia replied. She knew why he was keeping the focus on the child; he was a new neutral subject. He kept them from discussing their complicated relationship. Avoidance was ingrained in their relationship, something they fell back on when things became too intense. "I've been given a year to foster. As long as that goes well, I'll be given permission to adopt."

"I'm happy for you," Elliot told her sadly.

Her eyes shut at the sound of his voice. The regret in his voice mirrored the regret in her heart. It was at times like these she wanted to hate him. Letting her know he cared but didn't follow through on it.

"I," he paused again rethinking what he was going to say. "I, uh, never thought I would miss out on watching you being a mom. You're going to be amazing."

Her eyes flew open, flashing angrily. "You made that decision without giving me a say in the matter," she said tersely. She wanted to cry, she really did. She could feel that pressure building in her eyes, and saw the tears swimming on her peripheral vision, but she held them back. She had shed too many tears over Elliot Stabler.

"I know that I'm an idiot," Elliot replied. "And a prick," he added lightly.

"Bull headed, son of a b-"

"Noah is asleep, isn't he? Because his speech is developing…" he cut her off, but his attempt at a jovial tone fell flat. "I know that there is nothing I can do to make this up to you, even if you want me to."

There was a deep pang in her heart. She would have given anything to have this conversation three years ago. She wasn't sure if she could do this anymore. She heard the yearning in his words; he wanted her to tell him how to fix this. But she didn't know if it could be.

"Elliot," she sighed. "I just, I, I don't know," she told him with difficulty.

Olivia licked her suddenly dry lips as she waited for him to reply. She never thought she would be the one to turn him away, but there was a lot more that she needed to consider, mainly Noah. She didn't think it would be fair to him to have that emotional upheaval in his life. She couldn't have her heart broken by Elliot again.

"I understand," Elliot explained.

She felt the disappointment pool in her stomach. She wasn't ready to let him back into her life, but she didn't want him to accept her decision so readily. She wanted Elliot to fight back at her, fight for her. Just like he used to. Not surrender to her choice, not give in. Not give her up again.

"I'm sorry," he said when Olivia remained silent. "For everything."

"I'm sorry too."

"You never did anything wrong Liv," Elliot replied and she could imagine him shaking his head. He coughed quietly to clear his throat. "I made a lot of mistakes, and if this is the only chance I've got to apologise then I want to you know how much I regret them."

Again Olivia had no reply. Well she had one, but she couldn't voice it. It would cost her too much to voice it. She wanted to hang on to the memory of what he meant to her. It had her a long time to reconcile the fact he wasn't in her life anymore, finally focusing on the good memories and cherishing those rather than the deep ache she felt when he left. As much as she wanted him a part of this, a part of her life, the nagging feeling that he may walk away again still bothered her.

"I miss you," she found herself saying, her voice caught in her throat on 'you'.

"Meet with me," he asked gently, almost begging her.

"No," Olivia replied forcefully. It was better this way, she told herself. Easier. It was time for them to move on, and leave it in the past. She'd never gotten over it completely, but she didn't want to do it again.

"Please," he was more desperate this time.

"Why?"

"You know why," Elliot cryptically.

And she did know why. She wanted to say yes. "What would it change Elliot?" Olivia listened to the responding silence. "What do you want from me?"

"I want to be in your life."

"You decided to leave it," Olivia shot back, her anger rising.

"I want a chance to explain," Elliot replied calmly, not reacting to her anger. His complacancy annoyed her even more.

"Why do you get to dictate when we talk? I wanted to talk three years ago, and you ignored me. I can't do this anymore."

"I'm sorry," Elliot said weakly.

"I'm sorry too, but you never gave me a say in the matter three years ago, I'm not giving you a say now."

**Author Note – First of all - sorry. There is more to come – soon I hope, but I am quite busy over the next few weeks. A huge thanks to everyone who left a comment on the last chapter. I appreciate all of the follows and favourites. I just wanted to say a special thanks to Mandy and Moska for supporting and encouraging me through my writers block this week.**


	5. Chapter 5

References - chapter five

'_Neither situations nor people can be altered by the __interference__ of an outsider. If they are to be altered, that alteration must come from within.__' Unknown_

A week later Fin sat at his desk finishing the paperwork for the last case. Amanda was going through the photos on the big screen. They were the only ones left for the night. He glanced through the darkened window to his right. Olivia had gone home a little over an hour ago at his insistence. Something was wrong. She hadn't been her normal self for the last week and he was worried about her.

If Fin had to pin point the exact moment it had started he would have to say it was the day after Munch came to see her. Olivia had kept to herself, and to most people she was outwardly herself, focused and determined when dealing with the cases and the victims. But only those who knew Olivia could see her starting to fray around the edges.

Fin was about to lower his head to return his focus on the paperwork when he heard footsteps approaching the squad room. He swivelled his head to see Elliot entering the room, and everything fell into place in his head. When Munch told him what he had spoken to Elliot, part of Fin expected to see the man at some point. To Fin the timing of Elliot's reappearance coupled with Olivia's strange mood wasn't a coincidence.

As Elliot stepped fully into the room his eyes met Fin's and to where he sat. He kept walking but Fin caught the momentary fault in his stride. He knew it must be hard for Elliot to walk back in here after such a long time. Fin rose to meet him, extending his hand.

"Hey man, how's it going?" Fin asked as Elliot accepted his hand and they shook. Fin didn't miss the present wrapped in blue paper in Elliot's other hand.

Elliot glanced around the room, pausing when he saw Amanda perched on a stool at the big screen. Fin saw her head move slightly but she kept her focus on the screen. Elliot continued to sweep his eyes across the room, stopping briefly on the spot where Jenna fell. His eyes blinked quickly and he averted his focus back to Fin, looking forlorn. He was obviously expecting to see someone else.

"It's good," Elliot said. He nodded his head at his old desks. "You moved desks?"

"Yeah, Cragen's idea a few years ago." Fin watched as Elliot instinctually glanced at the older man's former office at the mention of him. "Liv's in there now," he couldn't help adding pointedly.

Elliot's brow rose. "She deserves it," he whispered longingly, so softly that Fin nearly didn't hear it. Fin couldn't tell if it was being said to him or if Elliot was just thinking out loud.

"Are you here to see her? Because she went home nearly an hour ago," Fin replied quietly so not to draw Amanda's attention to them more than it was. He was aware of her scrutiny despite that she was looking at the screen.

Elliot turned to him lifting up the gift, looking at it briefly before holding it out to Fin. "I just wanted to give her this, it's for Noah."

Fin eyed the present for a moment before accepting it. "This better not end up with the messenger being shot," Fin paused as Elliot tensed. "You talk to her?"

Elliot slowly nodded, but Fin could see his reluctance as he cast a cursory glance in Amanda's direction. Fin followed the movement to saw the flick of blonde hair as she turned back to the screen. Fin gestured towards the interview room beside Olivia's office and Elliot took the direction.

Once inside Elliot flicked on the light and Fin shut the door behind them. Elliot stood in front of the window, his back to Fin as he looked out at the parking lot below. His shoulders sagged and he seemed completely drained, a shell of the man he was when he was in the job. Fin felt for him, but obviously the talk with Olivia hadn't gone well and while Fin didn't want to get involved, he had her back.

"I asked her to meet me, but she shot me down," Elliot said sorrowfully.

"Do you blame her?"

Elliot huffed. "No," he replied regretfully. There was silence for a moment.

"Why now?" Fin asked.

Elliot turned around slowly and leant against the window sill, crossing his arms across his chest and his legs at the ankle. "Because if I don't do this now, I won't ever do this."

"You had to wait three years to talk to her?"

Elliot cleared his throat uncomfortably and hung his head.

"Tell me you were the one to call her," Fin said, letting his frustration sound in his voice. He already knew the answer, and his frustration was quickly turning to anger.

Elliot shrugged. "She phoned me, we talked for a few minutes about Noah and then I asked her to meet with me. She said no."

"And you thought that coming here would change her mind?" Fin said rhetorically. "You forget who you're dealing with?"

Elliot smiled ruefully, shaking his head. "No, I didn't forget. You push Liv, and she pushes back."

Fin stared at him, his simmering anger slowly dissipating. Elliot's dejected posture eerily similar to the way Olivia had been acting all week. He felt sorry for Elliot. He seemed resigned to the fact his relationship with Olivia couldn't be fixed despite how much they still meant to each other. Neither of them would be feeling this way if they didn't still care.

"I get that it would have been difficult to come here after Jenna, but you didn't have to come here to speak to her. And you didn't need to leave it up to Cragen to tell her that you weren't coming back." Elliot stared back at him, but didn't reply. It was obvious that answer was Olivia, not him. "What do you expect from her Elliot?"

"Look, I don't expect her to let me back into life. I just, I want her to know that I'm sorry."

Fin sighed. He knew Elliot wanted him to help, but was reluctant to ask outright. Neither of them were ones to talk about their personal problems but for Elliot to admit Olivia's rejection of his invitation told Fin how desperate he was. When he first joined the unit, Fin quickly picked up on the vibes between Elliot and Olivia, and the cues of when to keep his head down. He knew when to keep out of it; it was usually the best way of dealing with it. All of instincts were telling him to do so now but all he could think about was the way Olivia had been feeling all week. One conversation with the man in front of him and she was in a spin. Even if it was the last conversation Elliot and Olivia had, they still needed closure.

"I have no idea if it'll do any good, but I'll try to talk to her," Fin offered.

"I appreciate it," Elliot told him sincerely.

"I'm not doing this just for you," Fin replied tersely. "You gotta understand that Liv's had a tough year." Fin paused when Elliot frowned. "And if she says no again, then you gotta walk away because that's her decision and you need to accept it."

Elliot stiffened as he held Fin's stare, the old Elliot resurfacing for a split second. And Fin thought Elliot might refuse the condition he'd set. But Elliot relaxed and nodded his agreement.

"Thank you," Elliot said.

"Don't thank me yet, she hasn't agreed to talk to you yet," Fin replied stoically.

A soft knock on the door startled both of them and they turned as Amanda poked her head around the door.

"Sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to head home," Amanda said to Fin.

"I'll see you tomorrow Amanda," Fin replied. But Amanda didn't back away from the door. She stood up a little straighter edging further into the room. Fin took the hint. "Amanda this is Elliot, Elliot my partner Amanda."

They exchanged nods and then the room descended in to awkward silence. Elliot stood and crossed the room to them.

"I need to go," he told them. "It was nice to meet you Amanda. Fin, I'll speak to you soon."

"I'll give you a call, you got the same number?" Fin asked and tried not to let his anger show when Elliot nodded.

And with that Elliot was out of the door and closing it behind him, leaving Fin and Amanda alone.

"Old friend?" Amanda asked waving her hand at Elliot's retreating form.

"Yeah, he used to work here," Fin was all he said as he led Amanda out of the room and towards their desks where he started to shut down for the night. "I'll walk you out," he said as he slipped on his jacket. He double checked the squad room quickly to make sure everything was shut down for the night before he joined Amanda at the door.

Thirty minutes later Fin was making his way up the stairs of Olivia's building. After dropping Amanda at her place he sent Olivia a message to ask if it was okay to come and see her. Initially she was worried about the unexpected call being a new case but Fin reassured her it wasn't. He didn't mention that Elliot had visited the precinct or that they had talked. Just that he wanted to talk. He knew she was worried and he hated hearing the edge to her voice as she reluctantly agreed to him coming to her apartment.

Fin approached the door and was about to knock when Olivia pulled it open. He smiled at her gently as she carried a sleepy, but teary eyed Noah as he clung to his shoulder as he sucked on his soother.

"He's just calmed down and I didn't want him to be startled by the knocking," Olivia explained, looking harassed with her hair pulled back in a sloppy ponytail, tendrils falling out of the band. "His tooth is cutting."

"That's okay. Not feeling good, huh little man?" Fin smiled sympathetically at Noah, but the baby wasn't appreciative of the gesture and turned his head to burrow further into the crook of Olivia's neck. Fin laughed gently and followed Olivia as she backed up to go into the living area.

She sat in one corner of the sofa, Noah cradled in her lap sucking loudly on his soother, as Fin sat in the opposite one. He placed Elliot's present to Noah on the coffee table, watching Olivia's reaction to it. Her eyebrow cocked but she didn't say anything.

"What's with the visit?" She asked instead.

"I just wanted to see how you are," Fin said. He knew he'd said the wrong thing when she frowned at him.

"I'm fine Fin," Olivia replied, stressing the 'fine'.

Fin cast a glance at Noah before continuing. He didn't want to do this in front of the baby but he didn't want to keep lying to her about why he was there. "Elliot stopped by the precinct."

Olivia stiffened, but tried to cover it by shifting Noah to a more comfortable position. "What did he want?"

"He came to see you but you'd left for the night," Fin explained as he reached for the present. "He asked me to pass this along for Noah. I didn't think you would want me to give it to you in front of Amanda or Nick."

Olivia fixed her gaze on the gift, her posture relaxing. Noah had moved at the sound of his name and was now looking at the present Fin was holding out to them. Olivia sighed as she looked down at her son, her expression softening as he reached out for the gift.

"Thank you," Olivia said as she adjusted Noah again, holding his back with one hand while reaching out with the other to hesitantly grasp the present. Noah's eyes brightened his attention on the gift as Olivia brought it closer to him. Fin watched mother and son as Noah patted the paper, learning the present inside was squishy. He giggled at the sound of the paper scrunching when he squeezed it. Olivia laughed at him and Noah looked up in confusion. She pressed a kiss to his forehead.

"Like this Noah," she told him and tore the paper beside the tape. Noah giggled again, the sound muffled by his pacifier.

He copied what Olivia had just done and the present was quickly revealed to them. It wasn't something Fin expected Elliot to give; a soft grey bunny rabbit with a bright orange carrot. But Olivia let out an almost silent gasp and Fin felt like he was intruding on the moment.

"It's a bunny Noah," Olivia told him and Noah said something in return but it was barely recognisable around his soother.

He looked at her face, but she was concentrating on Noah and his new toy. She blinked quickly and for a moment he thought she might cry.

"I know that he hurt you, and I'm not taking his side or saying what he did was right. But those thirteen years meant a lot to both of you," Fin said quietly so not to startle her. "He wants to talk Liv, wants you to hear him out."

Her head rose, and Fin could see the water pooling in her eyes. Her hand rubbed Noah's back as he cuddled the bunny. Olivia looked torn. Just like Elliot had done.

"I'm not saying you should do it for Elliot, but I think you owe it to yourself to listen to what he has to say," Fin added gently.

Olivia looked like she was about to respond when Noah patted her cheek. "Ma," he said around the pacifier. "Kiss," he ordered holding the rabbit for Olivia to comply with his request.

She smiled at her son and kissed the bunny, then Noah on his forehead. Noah babbled happily and brought the stuffed toy down to his level, pressing its nose to the end of his pacifier and blowing a raspberry. Fin laughed at the sight, it died on his lips when Olivia caught his eye again.

"I can't do it at the precinct," Olivia said sadly. "And I don't want to do it around Noah."

"I can watch the little man, if you want," he offered.

"You would watch Noah?" She questioned sceptically.

Fin held his hands in mock surrender. "Hey I do have a son," he argued back at the implication. "Besides we can hang out, watch a game," he gestured to the television in the corner. "And I can teach Noah about football, and tell him not to support the same team as Uncle Nick."

Olivia laughed. "What about diapers?"

Fin shook his head, grateful she was laughing. "Now, I'm not a fan of that duty but I have changed diapers in the past."

Olivia pursed her lips, contemplating. She looked down at Noah and the bunny; his soother had dropped from his mouth and was resting between them. She smiled tenderly. "What do you say Noah? Would you like to hang out with Uncle Fin?"

Noah looked up at Fin in surprise. "Unca 'In?"

"Yeah, that's me," Fin told him. "What do you say to me reading you a bedtime story?"

Noah gave him a smile and continued to play with the bunny.

"I guess that's settled," Olivia said. "I'll call Elliot and set it up."

**Author Note – I just wanted to thank everyone who commented, as well as adding the story to their favourite and follow lists. Hopefully you enjoyed this chapter, please let me know any thoughts.**


	6. Chapter 6

References – chapter six

'_Oftentimes__ we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn't mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.__'_

_Kezia __  
_

Olivia stood in front of her floor length mirror as she held a shirt up to her. She sighed, undecided as to what to wear. In the background of the mirror she saw Noah sitting in the middle of her bed, surrounded by pillows and a few of the other outfits she had been choosing between. He laughed as he shook his butterfly rattle, the bunny rested in his lap. It had been his toy of choice since he opened it over a week ago.

After Fin left that night, Olivia finally managed to settle the baby and phoned Elliot again. He picked up on the first ring. He had been contrite when she told him off for getting Fin involved. She surprised herself when she calmly offered to meet with him to talk, and suggested a quiet bar around the corner from her apartment where none of their colleagues would see them.

Over the week her nerves almost got the better of her several times and she picked the phone up to cancel but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She wasn't sure what she wanted out of tonight. She had no idea what Elliot expected after tonight. In a perfect world, their friendship would be fixed by one conversation, one word. But this wasn't a perfect world. Because if it was, Elliot wouldn't have left without saying goodbye.

Fin had been right. She was going to hear him out, not because of Elliot. She needed to hear what he had to say. It was for her peace of mind.

Olivia glanced at the clock, ten to seven. Fin would be here soon, and Elliot would be meeting her outside her building at half past. There was a time when Olivia would have insisted on meeting him at the bar, now it made her feel safer for him to meet her here. She would never admit it though.

She looked down at the shirt she still held up to her body and sighed again. She had no idea why she was being so picky about what to wear; Elliot had seen her at her best and her worst. She wanted it to be casual to belie the anxiety she felt, but she still wanted her outfit to look good on her.

A loud knock sounded through the apartment, and she frowned. She hadn't buzzed anyone into the building. Checking her watch again as she picked Noah up from the bed. He dropped the rattle and grabbed the rabbit while he smiled up at her. Settling him on her hip she walked out to the front door and checked through the peephole. Fin was early.

She plastered on a smile as she unlatched the door and held it open for Fin. He gave them a soft smile as he took in the sight.

"Hey guys, your neighbour let me in," Fin said as he shut the door behind him. "You ready to spend some time with Uncle Fin, Noah?"

"Unca 'In," Noah repeated, bouncing on Olivia's hip. He held the bunny out to Fin. "Buh'nee."

"Yeah that's bunny, but we're gonna talk about football little man," Fin replied as he produced a small ball from his pocket.

"Ball," Noah repeated as he leant in Fin's direction and held his arms out.

Fin held his arms out to receive him, giving Olivia a surprised smile as Noah had never asked for him before. He'd never grumbled when Fin held him when they were introduced but he'd never initiated contact with him. Olivia smiled as Noah tucked the bunny between him and Fin and reached for the mini football. Seeing Noah was in good hands she relaxed slightly.

"Come on Noah, we'll hang out here while Mama gets dressed huh," Fin said pointedly as he glanced at her robe before winking at her.

"That would be fine if I knew what I was wearing," Olivia muttered as she turned on her heel to return to her bedroom. And she tried not to laugh when she heard Fin talking to Noah, but loud enough for her to hear.

"Now, your Mama and Elliot never dated, but she still wants to look good. Now this is what all women do with their exes and then they say they didn't put much thought into it."

"Mama," she heard Noah repeat seriously as she re-entered the bedroom.

She looked into the open closet and grabbed what she had been looking for. Quickly changing and reapplying her make-up before spraying some perfume on, she returned to the living room. Noah was standing on the sofa babbling at Fin, who had his hand on Noah's back to make sure he wouldn't fall. They noticed her and Noah started clapping.

"Mama," he said holding his arms out to her. She scooped him up with a smile.

"He's had his dinner, and his bath. There's a bottle in the fridge, he can have it when I go. He usually goes down after that but he might not since you're here. If he doesn't, don't worry," Olivia said in a rush, trying to remember everything that Fin needed to know.

"Liv," Fin said reaching out a hand to her. "Breathe. Noah will be fine. Everything's gonna be fine, I got this. You don't need to be nervous. About anything," he added gently.

"Thanks for this, I just have no idea what I'm going to do," Olivia replied.

"Don't decide anything till you've spoken with Elliot."

Olivia didn't reply and tried to keep her face neutral. She replaced Noah on the sofa next to Fin started to sort through her bag. Noah quickly climbed off the sofa and crawled around to where she was sat on the stool. He grasped the fabric of her jeans to pull himself up.

"Mama," he said softly patting her knees.

She smiled down at him and placed her bag on the counter before picking him up. "Are you going to be good for Uncle Fin?"

Noah looked over at Fin and shrugged before placing his head on Olivia's shoulder. He yawned and she hoped it was sign he would go to bed easily. He generally did for her, but he wasn't used to someone other than her or the sitter doing his bedtime routine.

Her phone began to vibrate on the counter. Elliot.

"I have to go Noah," Olivia said as she carried him over to the sofa. "Call me-"

"If I need anything, I know Liv," Fin said as he took Noah from her. "Good luck," he said sincerely.

"Thanks," she breathed out nervously. "Goodnight Noah, I love you," she swooped down and placed a kiss on Noah's forehead before turning to grab her bag. "I'll see you soon," she called.

Olivia cast one last glance over her shoulder and a genuine smile graced her lips. Noah was standing against Fin, smiling and waving at her.

"Bye Mama," he called.

"Bye Noah."

….

Olivia pushed open the door to the lobby and paused. Her eyes looked through the glass doors to see the back of Elliot. He was facing the street, his hands stuffed in his pockets. Olivia took a second to study him. He was wearing a suit, and she wondered if she had been the only one to worry about what to wear. His hair was now peppered with grey but apart from that he didn't seem that different. She couldn't see his face but she could imagine his expression from his posture. His head was downcast and he was studying some spot on the ground. After a moment he sighed and removed his left hand out of his pocket to check the time. Her lips lifted. He was still impatient.

Dropping his arm to his side, he looked over his shoulder and immediately met her eyes. He didn't smile but his eyes softened as he turned fully to the door expectantly. Olivia watched as his eyes took in her appearance, finally rising to her face again. Apart from a few extra worry lines around the eyes he hadn't changed. It spurred her into action again as she averted her gaze and strode to the front door.

Elliot side stepped the door as she pushed it open. They stood looking at one another again for beat, the door clicking behind Olivia.

"Hi," Elliot said slowly, warmly.

"Hi," Olivia replied. She could see the anxiety in his piercing eyes, relieved she wasn't the only one who was nervous.

Elliot hesitated, contemplating. His arms twitched almost as if he was going to hug her then he relaxed, the action forgotten as he second guessed it. Olivia sagged, trying to hide her disappointment. Despite everything, she wouldn't have stopped him.

"So where are we going?" Elliot asked as they fell into step beside one another.

"There's a bar just around the corner. It's quiet-"

"And public," Elliot added.

Olivia gave him a sharp look. "It's neutral."

Elliot's lip quirked into a smile but it was gone in a flash. "I'm sorry," he offered seriously.

Olivia didn't reply just quickened her pace. Being taller than her, it didn't take Elliot long to catch up with her as he adjusted his stride, keeping up her pace when he came up beside her. They rest of their walk to the bar was in strained silence. Five minutes later they were sliding into opposite sides of the corner booth at the back of the bar.

"So who's looking after Noah?"

"Fin," Olivia replied.

Elliot nodded. "How is Noah?"

"He loves the rabbit," she smiled. "Thank you. You didn't have to get him a present."

Their eyes locked again. "I wanted to. He's going to be one next month," Elliot said.

"Yeah, I can't believe where the time has gone."

"Enjoy it," Elliot said knowingly, obviously thinking about the lost time with his children, and she nodded in reply. "I'm happy for you. You deserve this. It should have happened a long time ago."

Their eyes held for a long moment before it became uncomfortable for them and Elliot cleared his throat. "Have you eaten yet?" Elliot asked.

"Uh, no," Olivia said reluctantly. She'd agreed to a drink not a meal with him.

Elliot nodded understandingly. He was just as reluctant as her. "Let's just start with a drink. What do you want?"

"I'll have a beer," she told him and he rose to go to the bar.

With that Elliot left her alone in the booth. The bar was almost was quiet for mid-week and Olivia watched as Elliot placed their order and leant his forearms on the bar as he waited for the bartender. She tried to assure herself that they were easing into what would be a difficult conversation, but in all honesty she knew they were avoiding, not ready to confront the situation between them. It was tense and awkward and all she wanted to do was run but she didn't. She owed herself this.

Elliot looked over his shoulder at her and she knew he was checking to make sure she was still there. His eyes lit up when she rolled her eyes at him and she couldn't help but send a small smile back.

Once he was re-seated opposite her, their eyes locked as they took the first sip from their bottles. Slowly the seconds ticked by. One, two, three…and her impatience rose. At the count of ten it got the better of her.

"You asked me to meet with you Elliot," she prompted as she put her bottle back down on the table with more force than she intended.

His eyes flashed to hers and he lowered his bottle to the table. "I," he started. "I have no idea where to start Liv. What do you want me to say?"

"This isn't about what I want you to say. I want to know why you didn't tell me you were leaving, why you cut off all contact without a word. I want to know the truth even if it's something you think I don't want to hear."

"I was a selfish coward," Elliot stated. "I was scared to talk to you because I knew you would talk me out of it."

Olivia stared back at him, biting the inside of her cheek. Fin told her the same thing and she hadn't understood what he meant at the time, didn't want to understand anyway. She was the only one who had been in denial about the whole thing. Everyone else saw the bigger picture, and she refused to believe it.

"I wouldn't have stood in your way," she replied bitterly.

"Really?" Elliot asked. "It wasn't an easy decision to make. I wanted to see you, but I knew if I did…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "I wouldn't have left and I couldn't do that job anymore, I couldn't watch any more innocent people destroyed like that."

He was calm when he said it, resigned and weary. Outwardly he was still Elliot Stabler. But Olivia could see how tired he was, there was a lack of spark to his eyes. He'd had three years to accept his reasoning, but she'd only had thirty seconds.

"So that meant that you had to leave me too?" She kept her voice quiet so the other patrons at the bar wouldn't hear her. She hated the yearning whine to her voice.

"Unintentionally or not, you would have drawn me back in and I would have jumped through every hoop that IAB wanted me too." He took a deep breath. "I would have come back for you," he tacked on barely whispering.

"Why?" She asked. But she already knew the answer. Their relationship had connected them to the unit.

Elliot bypassed the question. "We needed a clean break, Liv. If I had stayed in your life afterwards, things would have gotten complicated." Their eyes held for a long moment, both knowing what that word meant to them, before Olivia averted her gaze.

"You don't know that," she argued back with a shake of her head. She lifted her bottle to her lips to take a sip and she felt the condensation sliding down the glass and catching on her hand. While her head was tilted up she took the opportunity to close her eyes briefly against the onslaught of emotions she felt. "You're married."

"Not anymore," Elliot replied. It was barely above a whisper, but it cut through her thoughts as though he had said it through a megaphone.

Olivia slowly lowered her bottle to the table. Her eyes landing on the bare wedding finger as he held the base of his bottle. There weren't any indents to suggest it was recently taken off. He drummed them against the glass to emphasise his point. She wanted to ask, but stubbornly refused to give him the satisfaction.

Olivia sighed and finally met his eyes. Despite his eyes being overcast by the way the light fell, his gaze still penetrated her. She wanted to keep an open mind when speaking with him. He was clouding her judgement, and she wondered if he was doing it deliberately.

"I'm sorry, I asked you here so I could apologise and I'm making it worse," Elliot said straightening his back.

"What exactly are you apologising for? Leaving without saying goodbye or not talking to me for three years?"

"All of the above and a lot more," Elliot replied.

"What do you want from me Elliot?" Olivia asked tiredly. "What do you expect to happen after tonight?"

He stared back at her silently. That's when it hit her.

He didn't know either.

At one point, her life had been so intertwined with his that she never expected it not to be. Their lives were so different now that she couldn't imagine him being back in hers.

There was a time when she loved him and he loved her. They never acted on it, they couldn't, never even said it out loud, but they knew; a silent declaration with every glance, every gesture. Their rarely indulged in flirting was treat to them, easing some of the pressure.

He had been her friend, her partner, and her unrequited.

She couldn't do it anymore.

She had changed in the three years since he left. Elliot had changed.

As much as she wanted him back in her life, she had no idea where he would fit.

"This was a mistake," Elliot said quietly.

Olivia nodded sadly. "Probably," she told him.

His eyes shut briefly and he nodded too. They couldn't undo the past, too much had happened. He could have answered her calls. She could have gone looking for him and forced him to talk to her. Both of them regretted how it ended, but it had ended.

"Then let's make this the goodbye we never had back then," Elliot suggested.

Olivia nodded and they spent the next two hours talking about everything other than them. His children; Noah; Cragen; Munch and Fin. They laughed at good memories and bypassed the bad ones. They had dinner together. To outsiders they were two friends catching up, not two people who were saying goodbye.

It was almost ten when they left the bar. Olivia didn't pull away when Elliot slipped his hand into hers as he walked her back to her building and they stood staring at each other, memorizing the moment, every detail of each other's face so they could remember it.

Their eyes were watering and Elliot reached out to wipe a stray tear from her cheek, his hand resting on her skin. She gave him a broken timid smile which conveyed her devastation. She leant in to press a kiss to his cheek, but she misjudged and caught the corner of his mouth. She was pulling back when Elliot turned his head a fraction and captured her lips in his. Their noses grazed and lips nudged.

It was quick and chaste. Nothing like she thought it would be, but all that it could be. Just as she was about to deepen the kiss, he was pulling back.

"Goodbye Olivia," Elliot said as he released her hand.

"Goodbye Elliot."

**Author Note – please have faith…more to come.**


	7. Chapter 7

References – chapter seven

'_I worked so hard for that first kiss_

_And a heart don't forget something like that_

_Like an old photograph_

_Time can make a feeling fade_

_But the memory of a first love_

_Never fades away'_

_Tim McGraw_

Olivia stood in her kitchen, her arms folded across her chest. Her eyebrow was cocked in amusement as she watched the silent stand off before her. She lifted a hand and let her fingertips cover her lips in an effort to hide the snicker that was threatening to escape. She never imagined she would see anything like what she was witnessing right at that moment.

Noah sat in his high chair with a deep frown of concentration set on his face as he returned the stare of John Munch, who was sitting opposite him in one of the stools. They were equally fascinated by one another. But it was the cone birthday hat on Munch's head which confused Noah the most. Olivia couldn't remember a time when either had been quiet for this long.

When she started planning Olivia had no idea what to do for Noah's birthday. She met a few parents when she took Noah to the park or the baby play group but she didn't know them well enough to invite them over, but she didn't want the day to go by without celebrating it. She never anticipated how eagerly her friends would accept her shy invitation to Noah's birthday.

Her own birthday served as a painful reminder to her mother of the attack which caused her conception. Olivia often bore the brunt of her mother's outbursts which were stirred by her memories, which always seemed more vivid on her birthday.

Fin approached the two of them from the other side, leaving Nick and Amanda with Zara, who was staying with her father during the school holidays, in the living room. He was as intrigued by the interaction between his former partner and Noah as Olivia was. He caught her attention with a nod of his head.

"Who do you think will win?" He asked.

"Noah," Olivia smiled.

"I should feel insulted that you think I can't win a staring contest with a one year old," Munch replied turning to her.

Olivia looked back at her former colleague and pointed at Noah. "You're looking at me and he's still staring at you. So he won."

Munch shrugged and turned back to Noah. "I'm pleasantly surprised by his suspicions. You wait till I explain about the government."

"He's one John," Olivia sighed, but was unable to stop the fond twitch of her lips. "Can you at least wait till he's five before you start discussing conspiracies with him?"

Munch looked at her over the rim of his glasses as he considered her request. Eventually he wrinkled his nose but nodded reluctantly. He turned to face her fully when Fin slid onto the stool next to him. Both of them looked at her somewhat expectantly, like they were about to start interrogating her.

They continued to look at her, and she fought the urge to fidget as she waited for them to say whatever they obviously wanted to. They tried to keep their expressions neutral but Olivia knew them better than that. The hair on the back of her neck stood up and she knew she wasn't going to like it. Whatever it was she wished they would restrain themselves till later, hopefully another day, any other day than today. She just wanted to enjoy Noah's birthday.

She may not have given birth to him, but she couldn't imagine feeling any different if she had. He was hers and he knew that. She felt her heart flutter every time he reached out for her, every time he looked to her first when he needed something, every time he called her Mama.

"Mama," Noah said quietly.

Olivia turned to her son to find him still scowling at the hat. He really didn't like it. Munch was the only person wearing one. Olivia sighed as she moved to Noah. Leaning over him she placed a comforting kiss on the crown of his head as she unbuckled him from the high chair. He immediately snuggled into her when she lifted him to her hip.

"Take the hat off John, you're scaring Noah," Olivia told him.

"It's not just Noah," Fin added with a playful scoff.

"He wouldn't be scared if everyone else would agree to wear one," Munch grumbled as he took the hat off and put it on the counter.

"But then you would be conforming with the rest of us," Fin replied.

"Good point," Munch conceded. "So what are you two doing tomorrow?" He asked Olivia.

"I'm going to take him to the park and then the zoo." Today was for her extended family, tomorrow was for just her and Noah.

"Down," Noah said and he started wriggling against her. Olivia put him down and he automatically slid onto his knees and started crawling towards where Nick sat with Amanda and Zara. He still hadn't started walking on his own yet.

Olivia kept her eyes on him as he approached Nick and held on to the sofa so he could stand to grab the discarded stuffed bunny which he left there earlier. It was still his favourite toy and he went back to it after opening the presents which everyone had bought for him. Her eyes lingered on him as he started cuddling it close. The ache in her heart fluttered as it triggered the memories of the man who had given it to him.

With that thought Olivia turned abruptly. She didn't want to dwell on that today. Her eyes roamed the kitchen, looking for a distraction. They fell on the cake box on the counter. In two steps she was in front of it and removing the top box.

"I'm going to sort out the cake," she said over her shoulder to Fin ad John. As she moved her focus back to the cake she saw them exchange a glance and Fin started to slide off his stool. She grabbed Noah's bib and held it out to Fin.

"Can you get Noah to sit on the sofa please?"

He accepted the piece of fabric and went to do as Olivia asked him. Olivia and Munch watched him approach Noah and speak gently to him. They watched as he helped Noah climb on to the sofa to sit next to Zara. Munch turned to her with a thoughtful expression on his face. She immediately twirled so she was facing away from him again, wanting to avoid whatever he had to say.

She heard the stool scrape across the floor as Munch pushed it out from under him. Her ears focused on the quiet footfalls, ignoring the chatter from the other end of the room. Her hands busied themselves with grabbing the plates and placing them on the counter. Munch approached almost hesitantly, hovering a few feet away while she found the candle and matches for the cake. She pierced the icing as she pushed the candle into the centre. Munch cleared his throat softly and took a step closer to her.

"I'm sorry things didn't work out with Elliot," he told her quietly.

Olivia paused and sighed, resting her hands on the work top either side of the cake. "It's not your fault John," she told him, her voice barely above a whisper. She didn't want the others to hear their conversation.

It had been six weeks since she had met with Elliot. Since they had said goodbye. Since Fin had shot her the understanding sympathetic stare when he saw her watery eyes as she walked through her front door that night. He hadn't asked what had happened, he already knew. She had never been as grateful for his silent support as she had in that moment. He didn't offer to stay, knowing she wanted to be alone.

She hadn't called Elliot since, and he hadn't tried to contact her. It really was for good this time. She felt a small pang of disappointment when she didn't hear from him today. Even Cragen had sent a card from his cruise. She didn't know why she expected to hear from Elliot, he didn't know what today was. But there was a little throbbing inside her heart that he was missing her sons' first birthday.

Shaking her head to clear it, she curled her hand around the handle of the knife and placed it on the board beside the cake. Munch shuffled next to her and she knew he was waiting for her to elaborate. She looked up at him, tilting her head to the side and smiling sadly.

"You did a lovely thing for me, something that I will always appreciate. But one conversation after three years is not going to change things between me and Elliot."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she admitted reluctantly. She didn't like it, but it was the truth. "I know that you wanted to help us, but this isn't some fairy tale. We're different people now, we lead different lives." Munch exhaled loudly, like he wanted to disagree. Olivia placed a hand on his arm. "You gave us a chance to say goodbye, that's something we never got the chance to do before. And I will always be grateful for that. I know that Elliot is too."

She was sure of that particular point. Elliot had been as disappointed as she was.

"Are you sure?" Munch asked again, his eyes boring into her.

She returned his stare, a lump forming in her throat. She swallowed but said nothing. She wasn't sure. Instead of answering she took hold of the board to lift it but Munch stopped her.

His hands moved to dislodge hers. "Go sit with your son, I'll bring this over. Today is for you too, go help him blow out the candle."

Olivia nodded with a small smile. "Thank you."

She turned and walked to where Noah was sitting. She scooped him up to place him on her lap. Everyone moved to face them as she heard Munch strike the match behind them and they all started to sing _Happy Birthday _as he walked towards them with the cake in his hands.

Noah looked curiously at the rest of the room, confused by their singing. Olivia smiled to reassure him, trying not to look at the camera Fin pointed at them to capture the moment. Noah swivelled in her lap as Munch passed on the other side of them to place the cake in front of them on the coffee table before going to stand behind Fin. She rolled her eyes when she noticed the hat was sat on his head again.

Noah's mouth dropped open in wonder as he gaped at the cake in fascination. The singing was coming to the end and Olivia held Noah to her as she scooted to the edge of the sofa to lean towards the cake.

"Noah, blow out the candle," she said into his ear. He turned his head to her, unsure of what to do. So she leant them forward further and exaggerated a blow at the candle, encouraging him to copy her.

"Blow Noah," Zara called out clapping.

Eventually he started to copy Olivia and she put a little more force into her blow to extinguish the candle. Everyone started clapping and Noah looked around in surprise. So did Olivia. They all looked back with pride and love. She was constantly surprised by the people who had formed a tight nit family around her. She had always wanted a family of her own. This was for her as well as Noah. This was her family.

So why did she have a niggling feeling that something was missing.

….

The following day Olivia sat on the blanket with Noah. They had spent the better part of an hour in the playground before moving to one of the open spaces to have the lunch she had brought with them. In the distance she saw a children's soccer tournament starting to disperse but her attention was on Noah who sat with the bunny at his side, while he held the mini football which Fin had given him.

It felt good to spend two whole uninterrupted days with him. Even though she made Fin promise to call if they needed her, she knew he wouldn't. Yesterday had gone better than she expected and Noah had enjoyed most of it.

After eventually warming up to Munch, Noah had sat on his lap as he gave into his curiosity and examined the party hat on the old man's head. She hadn't been able to hold back the laugh when Olivia saw Noah's tiny hand curl around the elastic which secured the hat to Munch's head and pull before releasing it, causing it to snap against Munch's chin. The hat stayed off after that.

Noah was turning the ball in his hands. He held it up to Olivia.

"Ball," he told her. His arm was quick as he launched it over her shoulder and it landed behind her. She looked at him in surprise; he was apparently as shocked as she was. "Oh no, gone," he said with a small shrug.

"Uncle Fin's been teaching to throw, hasn't he?" Olivia commented as she started to stand.

"Unca In?" Noah replied. Olivia smiled as he looked around expectantly.

"Come on, let's find the ball." She bent to pick him up.

"I'll get it for you," a young boy called as Olivia stood.

She turned to see a blonde boy jog wearing a soccer uniform from the nearby path and pick up the ball. He looked it over to make sure it was clean as he closed the distance to her and Noah. He held it out to her with a smile.

"Here you go," he said.

"Thank you," Olivia replied, accepting the ball from him. She looked around to see any parents for him, when she saw none she looked back down at him. "Do you have someone with you?"

The boy looked over his shoulder and pointed. "My dad's coming, he's gonna be mad that I ran off ahead." He said a little sadly.

"He'll just be worried about you," Olivia said trying to pin point where he was indicating but there was a group of people and she couldn't clearly see. She lowered herself to a crouch, still holding on to Noah. "If you give me a minute-"

"Eli!"

The boy swivelled quickly and Olivia's head shot up as she heard the voice she would recognise anywhere. Her eyes closed briefly, wondering if her mind was playing tricks on her. When they opened they studied the boy in front of her, finding the similarities which she had missed before. She reasoned that she hadn't seen him in three years.

"I was helping the lady and her baby. He threw the ball really far Dad," Eli replied as he jogged to his father.

Olivia tightened her grip on Noah as she stood. She watched Elliot pat Eli's shoulder gently, reassuring himself and the child. He hadn't noticed her yet, he was just focused on the fact that he hadn't lost Eli. He flashed a smile at his son as he registered his words.

"I know you were doing a good thing Eli, but you know you shouldn't have run off in the first place."

"I'm sorry dad," Eli said.

Elliot patted his shoulder again and finally looked up at her. His eyes widened, and then softened immediately when he realised it was her.

"Hi," he said, almost timidly. Elliot took a step forward, and then he faltered.

"Hi," Olivia replied. "Um, Eli was helping me and Noah."

Elliot looked at the boy in her arms and smiled gently. "Got a hell of an arm on him," he commented.

In spite of the warring emotions inside of her, Olivia let out a laugh and squeezed Noah. "Yeah, I think he's been watching too much football."

Elliot nodded. He sighed and gestured to the other end of the park. "We were at the soccer tournament," he said. "How are you?"

"I'm good, we're just about to go to the zoo." Their gazes held and everything around them seemed to stop for a moment.

"Do you two know each other?" Eli asked, tugging Elliot's hand to get his attention.

"Eli, this is Olivia," Elliot explained. "We used work together when I was in the police."

Eli's eyes grew big as he turned back to Olivia. "You're Olivia? The one that was there when I was born?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, I am. You've gotten big Eli."

Eli puffed out his chest proudly. "I'm seven," he told her. "What's your baby's name?"

"This is Noah. Noah, say hi to Eli and Elliot."

"Hi," he said with a shy wave and placed his head in the crook of her neck.

The two Stabler's stepped closer, Elliot's focus was on Noah. "Hi Noah," he said softly. "You're going to see the animals, huh little man?"

Noah didn't reply just turned shyly into Olivia's neck.

"Hi Noah," Eli said. He reached up and tickled Noah's chin to make him laugh. "How old is he?"

"He turned one yesterday," Olivia replied.

Elliot looked at her apologetically. Olivia felt the heat flush creeping up her neck under his mesmerising stare. She tried to ignore the regret, the pain and the yearning she saw there, knowing she felt the same. She always imagined him to be a part of this. And now it hurt to have him to watching from the outside like a stranger. She never imagined things would ever get this awkward with him. They had made a decision and all she wanted was to take it back.

"We'll let you guys get going. I promised Eli pizza," Elliot said forlornly. "You're a lucky little boy Noah. You've got an incredible mother." The last part was directed at her and she had to look away from his intense stare. Elliot took hold of Eli's hand and they turned to leave. Eli looked over his shoulder and waved at them.

"Wait," she found herself calling just before they reached the path. They paused to and looked back at her expectantly. Olivia opened her mouth to speak, but she hesitated over the words. Her eyes met Elliot's again and she saw the spark of hope there. All of the fear and trepidation faded away and she found the courage to speak. "Do you want to keep us company at the zoo?"

**Author Note – Thank you all for your wonderful comments and for following the story, you're an amazing bunch of people. I have had a few people ask me about my updating this week, on a few different stories. I've had a lot going on at home and my work schedule will be changing soon (not sure if that will give me more or less time to write) but I will try to get at least one update a week per story done. I would love to know what you think of it so far, so if you have the time please leave a comment.**


	8. Chapter 8

References – chapter eight

"_All__ nature is but art, unknown to thee; All chance, direction, which thou canst not see; All discord, harmony not understood; All partial evil, universal good; And spite of pride, in erring reason's spite, One truth is clear, Whatever is, is right__" _

_Alexander Pope_

Olivia tightened her hold on Noah as he laughed at Eli as he did an impression of the monkey they had seen. She smiled as he tried to copy the older boy. She smiled over at Eli as he continued to make the sound of a monkey as well as curling his arms up under his armpits. Her gaze drifted upwards, unbidden. She saw Elliot's eyes sparkling as he watched the two boys interact.

Sensing her attention he met her gaze and the spark dimmed shyly as they got caught up in the other's stare. They'd spent the entire time focusing their energy on the boys rather than the awkward atmosphere generating between them. If the children noticed, neither of them reacted. Olivia averted her eyes first, looking at Noah as he pointed at Eli.

"Eeli," he squealed happily.

Immediately Eli reacted, stopping his impression. "Hey, you said my name Noah," he exclaimed happily as he took a step closer to them. "Way to go little man," he smiled.

"Eeli," Noah repeated clapping his hands together before making the monkey noise again. The older boy got the hint and did his impression again, delighting when Noah started laughing again.

Olivia was glad she had given in to the impulse to ask Elliot and Eli to join them at the zoo, relieved when they agreed. No matter what was, or wasn't, going on with her and Elliot the four of them had a great time while walking around the zoo. She lost herself in the moment sometimes, letting her guard down as she watched Elliot and Eli. But those moments were tinged with heartache.

His laughter cut through her heart as she realised how much she had missed this side of him, even though she had never really been able to witness it. Over the years she'd seen him with the older children but she hadn't really been privy to his private time with them. Not like this anyway.

Neither of them spoke to each other, just the children. It was too difficult, too hesitant and this wasn't the time or the place to discuss their last meeting. She had no idea what to say about it anyway. She hadn't been lying to Munch when she told him they had said goodbye, gotten closure on that time in their life. In her head she had been able to rest easier after that night at the bar, repairing the gaping hole his abrupt departure left in her heart. They had closed that chapter in their lives.

Their chance meeting, however, had ripped it open like a gaping wound. Their history churned in her head as she tried to hide her reaction. She could feel it building in her, warring with the side of her which enjoyed spending the day with them. She tried to ignore it, push it down inside her, not wanting to ruin the children's fun. She was so confused and felt a flare of anger towards Elliot for doing this to her. To them.

They continued down past the monkeys towards the polar bears. Noah was perched on her hip as she tried to steer the stroller awkwardly with one hand. Olivia stilled when Elliot stepped into her side and his hand covered her own, dislodging it as he took control of the stroller. Olivia looked at him in shock as he started to push the stroller for her. He steadfastly kept his focus on the path ahead of them, and it was probably for the best anyway. She didn't think she could deal with any more of those empathic stares from him.

"Dad, I'm hungry," Eli announced as he stepped between them.

Olivia felt guilty as she remembered they were going to get lunch before agreeing to go with her to the zoo.

"We'll get something soon Buddy," Elliot told him.

Noah rested his head on Olivia's shoulder, yawning quietly. She glanced at her watch and realised it was way past time for his nap.

"What about pizza?" Eli asked.

"We'll order in for dinner," Elliot promised.

"Can Olivia and Noah come?" Eli tilted up at Elliot, squinting as the sun caught his eye.

She glanced at Elliot when his step faltered momentarily but he recovered from his stumble quickly. There was a tiny voice in the back of her head which was relieved he was as affected by this as she was. Elliot cleared his throat, cautiously casting a look in her direction to gage her reaction. "If they want…" He trailed off looking at her, pleading with her to answer his question.

Olivia tried to read him, but he gave nothing away. She knew it was probably a bad idea, but as much as she wanted to put an end to the awkwardness she couldn't bring herself to put an end to their time together.

"Actually, Noah is getting tired," Olivia started. "You could come back to mine, we still have cake left over from yesterday," she offered.

"Cake?" Eli perked up, twisting his head between both adults eagerly. But their attention was on one another.

Elliot's lips lifted and his expression softened. "Are you sure?"

"_Loaded question," _Olivia thought to herself. She knew he wasn't just asking about having cake. There was so much hope and relief in those three words. It eased her concerns a little. Olivia nodded shyly. "Yeah."

…..

A couple of hours later Elliot and Olivia sat across from one another over her kitchen counter. Elliot chuckled as pushed aside his plate.

"He really did that to Munch?" Elliot asked when his laughter died down. He looked over his shoulder at the crib in the corner with the slumbering infant inside. A few feet away Eli lay on the sofa, also napping after the long day.

Olivia nodded, smiling at the memory. "Yep, all I saw was his hand grabbing the elastic and then I heard the snap. I warned Munch that he didn't like the hat."

Elliot nodded, turning pensive. Olivia felt the mood shift and tried to mentally prepare herself for whatever Elliot wanted to say.

"You moved," he said quietly. Even though it was a statement, she could hear the question behind it.

"Yeah," Olivia drawled out slowly, nodding. "I couldn't go back there after…" It was Elliot's turn to nod sharply, cutting her off as he realised what she was referring too. They hadn't talked about her abduction when they met before and she didn't really want to talk about it now. She had moved past that time in her head, and she didn't want to dwell on it with Elliot.

"I'm sorry, I know you loved that place."

"I did," she said thickly. She returned his stare, silently begging him to leave this conversation there. Thankfully the three years of silence didn't hinder their ability to read each other and Elliot let the subject drop.

"So, uh, you're doing an incredible job with Noah," Elliot told her.

Olivia smiled, leaning her elbows on the table pushed her plate aside. "Thanks, it doesn't feel like it sometimes though."

Elliot nodded understandingly. He'd been in the same position, with long hours pitted against parenthood. He'd missed out on so much of his older children growing up, and she understood how the frustration he felt back then because now she felt the same when the sitter told her about Noah's day. The videos and pictures weren't enough sometimes, she wanted to witness it first-hand.

"He adores you," Elliot stated gruffly. "It's going to be tough at times, but in the end it's worth it."

"Umm," she murmured non-committedly. Eli chose that moment to roll over in his sleep and her gaze shot to him. "Do you get to spend a lot of time with Eli now?"

"Yeah, I get him every weekend and if Kathy is on nights at the hospital," Elliot nodded. "My schedule gives me that freedom. I've got to see a lot more than I did with the other kids."

He mentioned his job of training private security officers when they had dinner. His job hadn't been the only change in his life. She envied the new peace he exuded. There was still a haunted look in his eyes; the torment which came from years on the job was still there and would never truly leave him. But it wasn't as obvious as before.

"So you're doing this on your own?" Elliot said carefully, guarded.

"Yeah," Olivia nodded. "Brian and I were together for a while, but we wanted different things."

Elliot's brow crinkled. "Brian? As in Cassidy?"

Olivia rolled her eyes at his tone, his opinion made clear as he scrunched his nose.

"He was there for me when I needed him," she defended heavily. She knew it was a low blow but she couldn't help it. Elliot looked contrite as she uttered the comment; he knew he had no right to make a judgement on that part of her life. And in that moment part of her hated him because it forced the next questions out of her mouth. "What about you? Are you seeing anyone?"

Elliot shook his head slowly, watching her reaction closely. She fought to keep her expression neutral, and her hate for him deepened a fraction. He drew her in, faster, deeper than anyone else she knew. She hated that loss of control over her feelings, hated how confused he made her. It felt even worse to know he was aware of her reaction to him, and while she knew Elliot didn't intentionally do it because he was as drawn to her as she was to him. They had both used it against the other at some stage in their partnership. Unintentionally or not, they couldn't help it and it often came out as a barbed comment when they were bickering, leading to a loaded apology which confused their boundaries, professional and personal, further.

"I had a good time today," Elliot pushed gently. Olivia cocked an eyebrow at him, conveying her doubt to him, but he continued undeterred. "It may have been a coincidence, but I'm happy it happened," he cleared his throat loudly, uncomfortably. "I was wondering if I could call you…"

Olivia breathed in sharply and recoiled from the table. "What exactly do you want from me Elliot?" She whispered harshly, trying not to wake the children. "What exactly has changed in the last six weeks? In the last sixteen years?"

"We said goodbye," Elliot replied, as if it was obvious.

Olivia's mouth opened but her angry retort died on her lips as she registered his response. "And how has that changed anything?" She heard her voice rising and she fought to keep her ire under control.

"It gives us a chance to start over," he offered softly.

"That's not possible," Olivia blurted with a shake of her head.

"Because you don't want it to be?"

"No," her voice softened at his disheartened tone. "Because neither of us is naïve enough to think that would work. We've got too much history here to ignore it like that."

Elliot nodded understandingly, accepting her answer. He waited another beat before sighing. "I'm sorry that I kissed you."

Olivia closed her eyes and huffed out an unamused laugh. "You know how to make a woman feel better? Apologise for kissing her," she said sarcastically. "Besides I started it," she said bitterly.

"But-" Elliot stopped talking as she narrowed her eyes at him, daring him to continue. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips. "I have a lot of regrets when it comes to you," he admitted quietly.

Olivia knew exactly what he was talking about. She had the same regrets. She had no idea what spurred that confession out of him. No idea what possessed him to break their unspoken rule. He was being honest and she had no idea how to handle it. She shook her head and sighed.

"I wanted to be more than your partner," Elliot added when she didn't reply.

Olivia closed her eyes, willing herself to keep control, to keep calm. She needed to end this here, she couldn't do this anymore. So she fought honesty with honesty.

"It never would have worked," she breathed out as her eyes reopened. His eye dropped but she pressed on. "As much as either of us wishes it could have, it wouldn't. We would have ended up hating each other." She hated to admit it but she realised that was the truth.

"You don't know that," Elliot told her.

"Yes, I do," Olivia insisted. "If you had left Kathy back then, if we had taken our chance…but that's not who we are. We would never have been happy sneaking around, hiding from your family, hiding from our friends. We wouldn't have fell," Olivia paused before she said too much. "We wouldn't care about each other if we were those people. Kathy, your kids, would have blamed me for you two splitting. And you would have ended up resenting me for that." Maybe it was out of self-preservation that she tacked on, "We wanted what we couldn't have."

He was silent for a long minute as he contemplated her answer. Olivia wanted him to accept it, tried to convince herself it was true. They were both unattainable back then; he was married and she was his partner. She had wondered for a long time whether that fuelled the initial attraction.

"Things are different now," Elliot replied.

"And you expect me to fall into your arms now that we're both single, now we don't work together anymore? After three years of silence, that's what you expect?" Olivia asked incredulously.

"No," Elliot replied vehemently. "I would never… I just…I don't want any more regrets. I've done that before."

"Out of curiosity-"

"You know you mean more to me than that," Elliot insisted his hand slamming on the counter top before she could finish her train of thought. "And I'm not asking for that, I know that I hurt you. But I want a chance to make it right."

"Why can't we just leave things the way they were?" She asked out loud, knowing he wouldn't agree.

"Because you mean more to me than that," Elliot said gently.

And she did know, just like Elliot knew he meant more to her. He was playing on those feelings, and she hated that she was allowing him to. But it was an impulse which he was giving into, one she would have given into if their situations were reversed.

"I would like to be in your life if you'll let me."

"You walked out of it," she reminded him. She was stopped from continuing when she saw Noah standing in the corner of his crib, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"Mama," he called sleepily around a big yawn. Elliot looked over his shoulder and Olivia was relieved for the distraction.

"And it's not just my life now," Olivia murmured as she walked around the counter to deal with her son.

"_It's__ the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.__"_

_Bette Midler_

**Author Note – Please don't hesitate to let me know what you think…**


	9. Chapter 9

References – chapter nine

'_Encouragement to others is something everyone can give. Somebody needs what you have to give. It may not be your money; it may be your time. It may be your listening ear. It may be your arms to encourage. It may be your smile to uplift. Who knows?' __Joel Osteen_

Olivia was crawling around her living room, craning her head under each piece of furniture trying to spot the soft grey fur of Noah's beloved toy. Above her on the sofa, Noah crawled and moved with her, following her movements to find his favourite toy and occasionally patted her head. It was nowhere to be seen. She sighed in disappointment, trying to remember the last time she had seen him with it.

Their day at the park and zoo had wiped him out. He had been too exhausted the night before to need it when he fell asleep, dozing off immediately after she and Elliot had brought him and Eli into her apartment. She hadn't needed it to resettle him after he stirred and interrupted her discussion with Elliot.

She paused, her gaze sweeping across the expanse of carpet underneath the sofa one more time hoping the stuffed animal would magically appear. It didn't. Slowly she ducked out from under the sofa and raised her head to look at the infant who was watching her so hopefully. Noah had been asking for the toy since he woke up and had tried to look for it himself, which led to the cushions from the sofa being thrown on the floor as he lifted them to check under them. She shook her head slowly, trying not to wince when his lower lip started to quiver. He loved the toy.

"'Ind buhnee?" He asked hopefully.

Sometimes Olivia could substitute the bunny with the football but he didn't appreciate her attempts to distract him this morning. "I'm sorry Noah, I can't find bunny," she told him gently.

His lower lip jutted out a little but he didn't cry. "Buh'nee gone," Noah gave a little shrug while holding his hands out, disappointed. He glanced around, still expecting to see it.

Olivia straightened her body, still on her knees she rested her forearms on the sofa either side of him. He looked back at her with his big blue eyes, like she could produce the bunny from thin air. She pressed a kiss to his forehead, inhaling his scent.

"I love you Noah," she said in to his downy hair. She'd said this to him a lot, but she never expected him to say it back.

"Love 'oo Mama," he said pressing a sloppy open mouthed kiss to her cheek.

Overcome with emotion, Olivia wrapped her arms around him and held him close. As he snuggled into her she tried to think of where the bunny could be. She had looked all over the apartment. Looked under furniture, down the back of furniture, there was no sign of the bunny. He had it at the park and the zoo. She remembered him holding it in Elliot's car…Elliot's car.

She bit back the groan which threatened to escape. The night before her former partner had left shortly after Noah had woken up, claiming he needed to get Eli into his own bed. Olivia hadn't questioned his dubious reason, equally relieved to be free of the conversation which was becoming too honest for her to deal with. Neither of them had said anything about seeing each other again but there was a moment when he stood in her open doorway and Olivia was sure Elliot was going to ask. She shivered slightly as she thought of the look he had pinned her with, eyes full of empathy, yearning and remorse. He opened his mouth to speak but his words died on his lips as he hesitated and closed his mouth again.

She remembered how Eli had wrapped his arms around her and smiled tiredly as he thanked her for inviting them to the zoo. It felt horrible to say goodbye to them, but Olivia had no idea what to do or say. Maybe everything that needed saying had been said. They couldn't go back and change the past, and she had no idea how to move on from here.

Noah wriggled against her and moved out of her arms. She pulled back from him, giving him the space to manoeuvre. "Buhnee?" He questioned again, hopeful that she somehow found the toy in the last minute.

Olivia sighed again, wishing he could understand that he couldn't have it straight away. "Not yet Noah, gone."

"Oh no," he replied sadly. She kissed his forehead quickly as he brushed past her to climb down off of the sofa and started crawling around the floor to look for his constant companion. "Buhnee," he called quietly, not quite ready to give up the search.

Olivia lifted herself off the floor and sat down in the spot which Noah had just gotten down from. Reaching for her phone, she didn't think to wonder whether it was too early to ring him. She knew he would be awake. Finding Elliot's number she pressed the connect button before she could second guess herself. She listened to the phone ring once, twice, and he answered on the third.

"Stabler," he said gruffly in to the receiver, his voice full of sleep.

Olivia heard the rustle of his sheets and she winced as she realised she had woken him. "Hi," she said quietly into the phone. She heard the sound stop as he registered who was talking to him.

"Hi," Elliot said, suddenly more alert than he was a second ago.

"I'm sorry to wake you so early," Olivia offered. She watched Noah turn his head to the coffee table and she moved swiftly moved to scoop him up before he tried to crawl under it. Noah grumbled his protest but Olivia held him firmly on her lap, the phone pressed between her ear and her shoulder as she reached for his ball to try to distract him. Thankfully he accepted it this time.

"No it's okay, my alarm's about to go off," he reassured her. She could hear the surprise in his voice. "I just didn't think I would hear from you," Elliot prompted gently.

"Me neither," Olivia admitted. The words came out gentler than she thought they would. "Noah has lost bunny," she explained, suddenly embarrassed.

"It's in my car," Elliot said. Olivia heard the smile in his voice, knowing she was embarrassed. "Along with your sweater," he added teasingly.

Her head tilted back and her eyes trained on the ceiling as she fought the humiliation. "Right, um can I pick them up from you at some point today?"

There was a pause on the other end and she considered asking where he brought the toy so she could get a new one without having to see him. Screw the sweater, even though it was one of her favourites.

"Uh I'm actually out of my office today, but I could bring them to the house at lunch time, we could-"

"I've got a few meetings," Olivia told him hastily, not wanting him to finish his sentence. The children acted as a buffer between them yesterday, and that ended in disaster. Without them today… "But you could leave them with Fin," she said quickly.

She wasn't lying about the meetings; she did have to meet with the Chief of Detectives. Only it was after lunch.

"Oh, okay."

Olivia shook her head when she heard the dejection in his voice. Her eyes snapped to the front door when she heard the metallic sound of a key being slid into the lock and the mechanism clicked as it turned, opening to reveal Lucy. She smiled at Olivia and Noah, giving them a small wave as she took off her bag and coat.

"Elliot I've got to go, my sitter just got hear. I'll talk to you soon," she said in a rush and didn't wait for him to say anything before she hung up quickly. "Hi Lucy," Olivia greeted as she stood.

"Hi," Lucy replied. She tiggled Noah's stomach, causing him to squirm and giggle. "Happy birthday little man. How did it go?" Lucy asked Olivia.

Olivia held her breath for a beat longer than necessary, pausing over the right words. "It was nice, we went to the zoo and saw the monkeys." Noah's head snapped up when he heard the word and he started doing his version of Eli's impression. "That's right Noah, monkeys," she told him with a laugh, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Um, he may not be that happy today. We've misplaced B-U-N-N-Y," Olivia spelled out to Lucy.

Lucy's eyes went wide and instantly Olivia's guilt deepened. Lucy was the only other person who realised how attached Noah was to the stuffed animal. "Oh no," Lucy said with a grimace.

"We left it in my," the words jumbled in her mouth. "Friend's car. I'm getting it back later today, but for now he's going to need distracting. I'm sorry."

Lucy brightened. "Don't worry. I'm sure we can find something to do."

"Thanks," Olivia checked her watch. "I've got to go, he's had breakfast and his bottle. I'll see you both later." She placed Noah into Lucy's outstretched arms. "Goodbye Noah," Olivia told him.

His hand started opening and closing. "Bye Mama," he said leaning his head towards her for her to kiss him, which she dutifully did.

Twenty minutes later, Olivia was walking through the halls of the precinct. She didn't like the new building, it was too clinical. Sure everything worked properly but she there were times when she missed the old station house. It had more character, and was oddly more comforting. She saw Fin already in the squad room, making himself a coffee. He gave her a welcoming smile and held up her cup to her asking her silently if she wanted a cup. She gave him a quick nod. She would have to warn him about Elliot stopping by, but had no idea what to say.

He finished pouring the bitter liquid into the cups by the time she reached him. He was just adding the sugar and milk to hers when she leant against the counter, contemplating him as her hand tapped absentmindedly on the work top. Fin's eyes snapped to the nervous gesture then shot to her face, accessing the worried look there. He frowned, but it was covered quickly. He wouldn't ask, not outright anyway. That's what she loved about Fin, he respected her boundaries. He knew how to approach her without pushing her, which was probably why she opened up to him about things she didn't tell anyone else. She knew she could tell Fin and he wouldn't judge, and he wouldn't breathe a word to another person.

"Good day off?" Fin asked. By the lilt in his voice she could hear the real question _'What's wrong?'_

"It was fun," Olivia replied with another quick nod. She slid her hand through the handle, curling her fingers around the cup, warming them gently against the hot side. "Um, how was it here?"

His brow twitched at the change of subject but he didn't say anything. His lips drew a thin line as he casually looked over his shoulder at the almost deserted squad room, with only a few uniforms milling about from the night shift.

"It's been okay. Caught a few quick cases but they were open and shut," Fin replied, keeping his voice steady, and willing to go along with whatever direction she wanted to take this conversation in.

He returned his gaze to her, studying her for a long moment and she wondered when he was going to call her on what was obviously making her nervous.

"How was the zoo?" He asked gently.

Olivia rolled her eyes. She knew Fin knew something had happened. He just didn't know what. She took a deep breath. "Elliot is dropping off Noah's bunny at lunch," she said quickly watching his expression change from concern to shock and back to concern again.

He looked around the squad room again before leaning in conspiratorially. Olivia wanted to step back but the wall behind her prevented her getaway. "I thought it didn't work…"

Olivia cut him off with another nod. "It didn't," she insisted. "We bumped into each other in the park. Noah threw the ball and before he and I could get it, this kid picked it up for us," Olivia explained calmly. "It was Eli."

"Some coincidence," Fin muttered. His head tilted to side. "So how does Elliot have the bunny?"

Olivia set her jaw as she felt the blush creeping up her neck. "I asked them to go to the zoo with us and after Elliot drove us to mine and Noah must have dropped it in the car." She watched him process her reason for a long beat before adding, "It's just I have a meeting later and I asked him to leave it with you _if_ I was out."

His eyebrow quirked at the emphasis you put on '_if', _but he didn't comment. "Okay," Fin nodded.

Olivia stood there for a moment, knowing he had questions, knowing he would never ask them. She felt like she owed him an explanation but the words never came. "Thanks for the coffee," she told him, trying to silently convey that she wasn't just talking about the coffee.

He gave her a small smile and a quick nod. "I got you," Fin assured her with a quick wink, telling her understood.

With that wink the awkward moment dissipated and they moved onto their morning routine and Fin briefed her on the cases they had handled in her absence.

…..

It had just turned half twelve when Fin was hanging up the phone with Barba, who had been in court with the arraignments from the weekend. Both remanded till trial. Across the divide of their desk Fin watched Amanda take a bite of her sandwich, he glanced at the one she placed next to him only minutes before while he had been busy talking. He lifted the foil wrapped sandwich and lifted it at her in thanks and she nodded as she chewed the bite she had just taken.

Amanda's eyes shifted over Fin's shoulder and then back to him. She jutted her chin in the direction of the entrance and Fin turned to see Elliot entering holding a jumper and Noah's bunny. His chair swivelled with him as he turned away from his desk to stand.

"Hey man," Fin greeted, extending his hand for Elliot to shake it as soon as he was close enough.

Elliot free hand captured his firmly and they shook. "Fin," Elliot replied. He held up the sweater and the toy. "Liv asked me to drop these off," he looked into the open door of her office, his neck craning so he could see if she was in there.

Fin stepped between him and the office, blocking his view. "Yeah she's at a meeting," he explained. He didn't have to look at Amanda to know she was watching them with keen interest, especially after placing himself between Elliot and Olivia's office almost protectively. She knew who the toy belonged too and Fin knew his partner well enough to know she was drawing conclusions about Olivia's relationship with the stranger. She didn't know the half of it.

Fin nodded his head over his shoulder and led Elliot into Olivia's office, closing the door behind them. Elliot lifted the sweater and bunny again and Fin took them from him and placed them on Olivia's chair.

Olivia hadn't told him what had happened the day before. From the way she had bolted out of the squad room just before twelve, Fin could only assume it must have been bad for her to flee like that just to avoid seeing Elliot. Her meeting wasn't till one.

"It's not any of my business," Fin started. "But what the hell happened yesterday?"

He watched the anger flare in the other man's eyes and steadied himself for the onslaught of denial. Fin had known them both long enough to know how their relationship worked. He'd never listened to gossip, shutting it down when he could because he knew the truth and he felt for them. Olivia was his friend, like a sister to him, and though he was never close to Elliot, he respected the guy. But nobody could rattle Olivia the way Elliot could.

But the anger never came as Elliot sighed, and it drained from him. Elliot shook his head. "I have no idea," he admitted. "And you're right; this is none of your business."

There was the Elliot Stabler he knew. Bull headed and stubborn. He just lacked the ire that he once did. Fin started getting frustrated. "It is when I have to play the middle man between you two."

Elliot clenched his hands and Fin saw him struggle to control himself for a moment before he stuffed his hands in his pockets. He shook his head again. "I don't know, we met in the park, went to the zoo. The kids loved it and Noah is…" Elliot trailed off. "He's a great kid." Fin nodded and waited, obviously there was more to it than that. "I screwed up, we talked and she shot me down," Elliot explained.

"What did you expect? You've been gone for three years and lot has happened," Fin said calmly. He didn't want to raise his voice in case Amanda heard them. "You said you would walk away if Liv told you to."

"I tried," Elliot admitted. "But after yesterday, I don't think I can."

"I don't think Olivia thought you would after thirteen years," Fin accused. The anger flashed again and Elliot's jaw set. Fin straightened his back, rising to the silent challenge. He had never been the type of man to talk about his feelings and he wasn't good at showing them, neither was Elliot. But he wasn't going to back down because Elliot needed to hear this, no matter how uncomfortable it was for either of them. "You and I both know you broke her heart when you walked away from here. And don't tell me you were just partners, because I know she meant more to you than that and you meant more to her."

Elliot stood rigidly; his eyes dimmed but his gaze never wavered. He stayed silent, willing to listen to Fin.

"For eleven years I watched you two, the arguments, the comments…I ain't seen anything like it between _partners_. _Partners _would've walked away before thirteen years was up. There were a lot of times when I wanted to step in between you two. But for all the shit you two threw at each other, I saw how much you cared, how much you fought against how you really felt."

Elliot's chin dropped a fraction. Fin expected Elliot to deny his claim but he never did.

"And those feelings didn't happen overnight. Give her time," Fin urged him softly. "It took a long time for her to pick herself up again after you left. For thirteen years, she let you in. She trusted you not to walk away. And you threw that trust back in her face."

Elliot cleared his throat. "I thought it would have been better for her," he said weakly.

"It wasn't," Fin said, his anger rising. He could handle Elliot staying silent in this conversation, but it annoyed Fin when he said something which he obviously didn't believe either. "Two conversations in three years aren't going to fix it. Give her time; prove that you won't walk away again before you expect anything else from her. She's not going to let you back into her life, into Noah's, only to tear it apart. Because that little boy means more to her than you do."

**Author Note – I've started the next chapter, but have no idea when it will be up. I'm working on this as and when I find the time – I didn't think this would be up till the middle of next week, but it flowed quicker than I thought. I would to know whatever comments you have, so please let me know.**


	10. Chapter 10

References – chapter ten

'_The__ worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.__'_

_Richard Bach _

Olivia walked through the door of her apartment quietly. She heard Lucy talking to Noah trying to encourage him to play with one of his toys. Olivia shrugged out of her coat hanging it on the hook and placed her bag on the floor under it. She toed off her shoes, sighing at the relief she felt.

The carpet was soft under her feet as she padded quietly into the living room, Noah's beloved toy hidden behind her back. She had to admit it felt good to have it back, she knew Noah was going to be so excited.

Noah looked miserable and unimpressed as he stood leaning against the sofa staring at Lucy as she held the building blocks out to him as she pointed with her other hand at the structure that Lucy had started to build on the coffee table. The young woman looked exhausted and Olivia felt guilty for the hard day she had with the uncooperative child.

Lucy offered Olivia a weary smile as she saw her approach. Olivia brought her arm out from behind her back revealing the stuffed toy to Lucy. Lucy let out an exaggerated laugh in relief that the toy had been found, looking towards the ceiling as she did so.

"Hi Noah," Olivia said with a smile.

Hearing his name he turned to her solemnly. "Hi Mama," he said looking up at her. He paused as he saw the bunny in her hand, his eyes growing wide. Olivia crouched down where she stood and held it out to him, slightly beyond his reach. Immediately his arm extended as a slow smile grew on his face. "Buhnee," he said in awe.

When he couldn't quite reach Noah pushed himself away from the sofa and Olivia held her breath as he took one unsteady step towards her, sans the safety of the furniture. He paused, as if expecting to fall. Lucy's mouth opened but Olivia shook her head to stop her from speaking, not wanting anything to interrupt the moment. When Noah realised he was safe he took another step towards her and the bunny, and then another. Olivia bit the inside of her lip to try to stop the flow of tears as he finally reached her, grabbing the bunny in relief before sagging against her. Her hands caught him quickly and held him close as he squeezed his favourite toy.

Her son had just taken his first steps.

Her breathing shuddered as she tried not to cry. Her eyes met Lucy's over the top of his head and saw she was as emotional as she was. Olivia tried to memorise every detail of the moment but then Noah was moving against her, supporting himself on his own legs. He stayed in her embrace and turned to Lucy, holding the bunny for her to see.

"'Ucee, 'ook Buhnee," he told her.

"I see Bunny Noah," she said with a smile as he didn't realise the significance of the moment. She rose to her feet and approached mother and son. Her hand squeezed Olivia's shoulder in support as she leant down to give Noah a peck on the head. "Well done Noah. If you guys are okay for the night, I'll see you two tomorrow."

"We'll be fine," Olivia told her quickly. "Thank you for today, I can't imagine he was that happy."

"Let's just say I'm happy they've been reunited," Lucy said with a laugh before retrieving her things. "Bye Noah," she called to the little boy waiting till his head snapped up to look at her.

He gave her a big smile and began curling and uncurling his hand at her. "Bye 'Ucee," he said.

Lucy smiled back and gave a small wave. "Have a nice night," she said unlocking the door.

"You too, Lucy," Olivia replied. She turned her attention back to Noah when she heard the lock click into place. "Come on little man; let's get you ready for your bath."

Noah replied by holding the bunny up at her. "Buhnee," he told her as if it explained everything.

She smiled. "Okay bunny too," she assured him.

A few hours later Olivia rose from the sofa holding the slumbering toddler to her as she did so, his beloved toy still clutched tightly in his hands as he slept. He had barely let go of it. He had wanted to take it in the bath with him, but Olivia put it on the counter. He started crying for it but Olivia showed him he could see it the entire time he was in the bath. He didn't stop staring at it.

She carried him over to the cot in the corner, laying him down carefully. He automatically rolled onto his side, a soft sigh escaping. She looked down at him, watching his small chest rise and fall gently as his breathing evened out. She smiled as his lashes fluttered against his check as his eyes moved, obviously dreaming. He mumbled something that she couldn't decipher and she smiled softly wondering what he was dreaming about. Her hand ran along the side railing of the cot as she forced herself to step back and let him sleep peacefully.

Moving in to the kitchen she made herself a tea, something she hadn't done in a while. On her way back to the living room she dimmed the overhead lights and turned on the lamp on the end table beside the sofa. She curled her legs underneath her as she snuggled into the corner cushions, hugging the cup to her as she relished the few minutes of peace and quiet.

Her gaze drifted over to the cot in the corner and she once again marvelled at how much her life had changed. Through the bars she caught sight of the grey fur which had caused so much anguish today. Much like the man who had given it to Noah.

Fin hadn't mentioned what had happened when Elliot dropped off her things. He had been fine with her, though he gruffly warned her that Amanda had been in the squad room when Elliot was there. She knew both men well enough to know they wouldn't have said anything in front of Amanda, but she couldn't shake the feeling there had been a confrontation. She had felt the younger woman's eyes on her all afternoon, watching her with concern. And Olivia knew she was making her own assumptions about Olivia's relationship with the mystery man. Olivia wished it was as simple as Amanda thought it was.

After knowing him for years, Olivia had yet to figure out how a few hours in Elliot's company could send her life into such a spin. Well she knew, but was still reluctant to admit it, even to herself. Olivia lifted the cup to her lip, blowing gently before taking a sip. The liquid warmed her throat as it travelled down. There was a part of her which felt obligated to call Elliot and thank him, but that was outweighed by the part which was sick and tired of being the one to call him.

She sipped the tea again and lowered the cup to her lap. Her lips quirked into a smirk as she saw a flower swirling on top of the hot water. She lifted one finger to touch the petals and pushed it gently, watching as it disrupted the surface of the water. She allowed a snicker to escape as she remembered when he had commented on her tea.

"_Is that a flower in your cup?"_

She had been the one apologising at the time, offering him a truce for being in his face during their last case. Their conversation on his stoop had been about so much more than that case, and the warring couple involved, and afterwards both of them felt like the emotional baggage which plagued them for months had been lifted from their shoulders. She wished another cup of coffee, another cup of tea and breakfast would fix them now, but it wasn't that simple this time.

Her head dropped onto the top of the sofa, her eyes focusing on the lighting fixture. She didn't think she was capable of doing this again. Not after how devastated she was the last time. She still loved him, and she doubted that would change. But he had shattered her trust when he cut all contact with her, and that doubt would always be present no matter how their relationship progressed from here.

If it did.

She righted her head and sipped at the tea, hoping it would soothe her frustration. She didn't want to call him. No one else had ever made her so desperate, and she never wanted to do that again. Her eyes closed, fighting against the thoughts in her head.

On the coffee table her phone started vibrating and she released a deep sigh as she opened her eyes. She leant forward and placed her cup beside the phone. Her heart beat quickened as she checked the caller id and saw it wasn't work. Elliot.

Her thumb hovered over the connect button and she wondered whether it was a good idea to answer. She knew it was only going to complicate things further. Her thumb dropped onto the button and she lifted the device to her ear.

"Benson," she choked out.

"Hi," Elliot breathed into the phone. "I know we didn't leave things in a good place yesterday, but I need you to listen to me right now," he said firmly.

Olivia sat up a little straighter but held her tongue. She listened to him breathing into the phone, hearing the shudder and in her mind she could see him struggling to find the words to tell her whatever he wanted to tell her.

"I'm going to stop apologising for whatever I did or didn't do three years ago, because every time I do I make things worse. There is nothing that I can say which will change the past." Pause. "You keep asking what I expect from you, and I have no idea how to tell you that I want whatever will make you happy."

Olivia licked her suddenly dry lips, thankful for his request of her silence since she was at a loss for words.

"In all honesty I never expected to see you again; I understood and I respected why we said goodbye after our last conversation. But after yesterday I don't think I can walk away. I saw you smile, I heard you laugh and I watched you with your son. I knew you would be a great mother, and it's something I've always wanted for you. I'm glad you let me see it."

Tears blurred her vision and she ran the back of her free hand over her eyes to wipe them away before they fell.

"I'm a selfish prick Liv," Elliot let out a short self-depreciating laugh. "And I don't deserve a second chance. Or whatever chance I'm up to with you." There was a long pause and Olivia wondered if he was done. His breathing was loud in her ear, amplified by her own as they fell into sync with one another. "Say something Liv," he urged her.

Her tongue darted out again and ran along her lower lip quickly. It clicked against the roof of her mouth as she retracted it. "When did you start being so honest?" She blurted out with a laugh. She expected to hear an uncomfortable laugh in reply but it never came.

"When I finally realised bottling it up wasn't working anymore," he replied stoically.

"Took you long enough." This time they both laughed but it died quickly.

"Yeah," Elliot agreed.

Olivia scrunched her nose and glanced at the cot in the corner, Noah still had his hand wrapped tightly around the bunny.

"Why are you doing this? Now? Just so you won't have regrets?"

Elliot let out a long sigh. "No I'll always have those," he replied. "It's like there's a huge part of me that's missing and I want it back."

"Why didn't you come back before?" She asked swallowing the lump that formed in response to his reply, wishing he would go back to their tried and tested method of avoidance. He had opened this door and he was dragging her along with him. She was terrified.

"Because I was scared you would tell me to go to hell."

"Elliot…" she whispered brokenly, pleading with him to put a stop to this for her.

"I don't expect more than you're willing to let me have Liv," he assured he quickly, recognising her plea. "I know that you've changed; I've changed Liv," Elliot pushed out. "I want to get to know you again."

"Can we just talk on the phone? Because when we're face to face it goes to hell," Olivia asked. Elliot gave a short laugh and Olivia's lips twisted into a smile.

"I don't think that'll work Liv," Elliot said as he sobered. His voice sounded more intimate than it should.

"So, what's your plan?"

"Eli made a card for Noah's birthday and I was wondering if we could bring it over next weekend, if you're not working."

And they were back to using the children as a buffer. In all of the years they had known each other, in all of the scenarios which crossed her mind; Olivia never thought she would be arranging a play date with Elliot. While the honesty they exchanged over the phone scared her, the thought of reverting back to denial petrified her. She wondered how long it would take for them to start hiding from one another again. How long before they started to expect more from one another.

"I'm not working," she replied. She waited a beat. "Thank you for bringing the bunny back today. Noah hasn't let it go since he got it back."

"He missed his friend, huh? I know the feeling," Elliot tried to joke but neither of them laughed.

"Yeah," she said awkwardly. Her teeth worried her lower lip, wondering if she should share with him the milestone Noah had reached today. But she wanted, needed, to tell someone and it seemed fitting for it to be Elliot. "Noah took his first steps today."

**Author Note – I know this was so quick after the last one, but I had some unexpected free time today and I really have no idea when I'll find the time to work on the next chapter. I hope you enjoyed it, let me know any thoughts…**


	11. Chapter 11

**Author note – Thank you to all of you who commented on the last chapter and for keeping with the story. I know it's been a while, but I hope you enjoy. Please don't hesitate to let me know what you think.**

References – chapter eleven

'_Feelings__ like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are.__' – Pema Chodron_

Olivia watched as Eli held Noah's hand and walked with him around Elliot's living room. Noah looked up at the older boy with a huge smile, his eyes sparkling with laughter. Eli's free arm was hovering a small distance away from Noah protectively, ready to catch him if he fell.

Eli was gentle and patient with the toddler, who was growing more and more confident with his walking. She was surprised by the boy and the how much he enjoyed spending time with Noah. Olivia thought he might get bored playing with a younger child who couldn't play older games but he never did, Eli was delighted when he could teach Noah something new. Like he had earlier, by building a ramp for his toy cars and they took turns in rolling them down it, both of them making 'vroom, vroom' noises.

Olivia sat at the kitchen table, her hands wrapped around the cup Elliot had placed in front of her a few minutes ago, the warmth heating her cold fingers. In the centre of the table sat Noah's bunny. He sat beside her, his chair angled away from the table so he also faced the children. The pride he felt for his son clearly evident in his expression.

For the past month her days off were spent with the three of them in the park. Even Noah had caught onto the pattern. When Lucy didn't arrive after he ate his breakfast Noah would turn to Olivia and say _"Li"_.

Li. That was his name for Eli. And the older boy didn't correct him either. As the baby of his family, he relished that someone looked up to him.

Olivia snuck a glance at Elliot. Noah couldn't get the hang of Elliot so he was named 'Lot'_. _The title of uncle didn't come before the name either. Not like Fin, Nick or Munch. Olivia hadn't bestowed that title on him, and she couldn't figure out whether that was a good sign or not. Maybe she was unintentionally punishing him for not being in her life for so long or maybe she providing herself and Noah a level of detachment because she didn't know how long he was going to stay in their lives now. Maybe it was because she had on more than one occasion entertained the well-guarded but shattered fantasy that he would have been more than an uncle to her child.

She exhaled softly as she looked at him out of the corner of her eye, studying him as he sat hunched over, elbows resting on his knees as he cradled his own cup. He didn't turn to her, didn't react. But by the slight tightening of his jaw she knew Elliot was aware of her scrutiny.

Maybe that was what bothered her so much about spending time with him, because as the weeks passed she became increasingly agitated at the silence between them. He was too compliant; he didn't push her and accepted her reluctance to talk. He was too calm, too quiet. Olivia missed the Elliot who challenged her. She wondered which atmosphere she preferred for Noah and Eli. She didn't want them to hear any arguments but she wasn't sure she wanted them in this limbo either.

This had been his idea, she thought to herself. While Olivia was pleased Noah had another child to play with, one who she had seen into the world and felt a connection too. She adored Eli, he reminded her of Elliot's playful side. Olivia wondered if other play dates would be as stifling as this if it were any other set of parents.

The rain beat down on the kitchen window, the pitter patter of the rain growing rougher by the hour, the weather reports predicted thunder storms later on in the evening. He had rung her early this morning, asking her to come to his place instead of the park because of the weather. She thought about saying no, and almost did. But there was a soft edge to his voice, the one that pleaded with her not to break their arrangement, and the one which urged her not to run after one set back. But nearly two hours ago, Olivia put Noah in his car seat and drove them over to Elliot's apartment.

She was on a play date with Elliot Stabler.

Olivia never thought her relationship with Elliot would ever turn out like this. They had turned into those people who didn't know one another, who only spent time with one another because their children were friends. One of her hands let go of the cup and she lifted it to cover the smile that was threatening to turn into a laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

Elliot caught the movement and turned to her, his chin brushing his shoulder as he did so. "What?" He asked gently.

Olivia shook her head for fear her laughter would escape if she opened her mouth. She couldn't comprehend why she found the heart breaking thought so amusing. But she knew he would. He would. Her eyes flashed to his and he was staring back at her, genuine curiosity and the beginnings of wry smile which started in his eyes before his lips started curving up.

Her hand dropped back to the cup, tapping the side with her fingertips and she allowed her smile to blossom and the teetering laughter slipped away. Laughter averted, she cleared her throat as she sobered slightly. "We're on a play date," Olivia explained to him with a bewildered smile.

Unlike her, Elliot allowed his chuckle to escape. It was short but it was real, genuine. He knew. He thought the same as her. "Takes some getting used to, huh?"

Olivia nodded letting out a breath which was half way between a huff and a laugh before the smile turned into a grin. She allowed herself a moment to indulge in the realisation that for the first time in three years their minds were thinking the same thing. "Yeah," she agreed.

Their smiles held for a moment before they became awkward and they looked away at the sudden embarrassment, Elliot back to the boys, Olivia focusing on her cup fleetingly before checking on Noah. They were now kneeling on the floor and Eli was tidying up from their playing while Noah was trying to 'help' by taking things out of the box. Eli shook his head with a laugh and told Noah that they were tidying not playing. Once the toys were back in the box Eli rose up on his knees, his head popping up as he looked directly at his father.

"Dad I'm hungry, is it lunch time yet?"

Elliot glanced at his watch and nodded. "Yeah, do you want a sandwich?"

"You said we can have pancakes," Eli reminded him.

"I meant for breakfast tomorrow Buddy," Elliot said gently.

"But Noah and Olivia won't be here then," Eli argued back with a pout.

Olivia curled her teeth around her lower lip. She hoped she had more will power when Noah started using that look with her. Elliot let out a sigh and looked at her over his shoulder again.

"Do you want pancakes?" He asked.

"Sounds good," Olivia agreed with an amused shrug at his obvious reluctance to make pancakes.

Elliot shook his head, his eyes twinkling with laughter. "You're no help."

"Has Dad ever made you pancakes before Olivia?" Eli asked his interest piqued.

Olivia blinked at the child. He was naturally curious, and he wasn't scared about asking the two adults about their relationship, something she had discovered when he asked Olivia to tell him her version of the day he was born. There was a fearlessness about him which reminded her so much of Elliot when they worked together. He was seemingly oblivious to the startled, awkward glance the adults snuck as they found the words to answer to his questions. His innocent view of the world meant he had no idea the emotional ramifications his inquiries evoked.

"Uh, no," Olivia found her voice first, clearing her throat at the sudden lump. "He's bought them for me before, but he's never made them," she told Eli, glancing once again at Elliot.

She could swear she saw the pink blush travelling up his neck as he returned his attention on the children. She felt the flush in her cheeks; for some reason whenever she imagined him making them wearing he was wearing nothing but pyjama bottoms. Olivia gave her head a slight shake to clear the intimate image from her head.

"His banana chocolate chip ones are the best," Eli stated confidently, ignoring the shift between the adults. "Do you want pancakes Noah?" He asked the little boy who had been looking between the others during their conversation.

Noah looked at Olivia, confused by the question.

"He's never had pancakes before," Olivia explained to Eli and Elliot. "He doesn't know what they are."

Eli's eye grew wide with disbelief. "Dad, we really gotta have pancakes now," he exclaimed pleadingly.

"Okay, okay, we'll make pancakes," Elliot said. He placed his cup on the table and stood. "Noah, do you want to help make pancakes?"

Noah just looked back at him, confused by what Elliot was asking him. He looked over at Olivia again, as if hoping she could explain what Elliot was trying to tell him. She gave him an encouraging nod. He still didn't look impressed and shrugged at Elliot.

"Yay," Eli said enthusiastically. "Come on Noah, we're gonna make pancakes."

Eli was on his feet quickly and Noah still looked unsure. Following Eli's movements the toddler grabbed the edge of the sofa hesitantly; he was cautiously focused on Elliot as he pulled himself up. Olivia watched Elliot crouch down to Noah's level. She held her breath as Elliot made his body language as open as possible to encourage her son. Noah stood looking at Elliot unwilling to move forward while he was in the way.

"Do you want to help me and Eli?" Elliot asked gently as he extended a hand to Noah.

Noah didn't move to take the proffered hand. Olivia exhaled softly, the self-blame setting in. Noah wasn't as forthcoming with Elliot as he was with Eli. He didn't shy away from Elliot, but he never approached him of his own accord. Olivia knew it was because he was picking up on her vibes, her hesitation and the detached approach she was taking with Elliot. A beat passed and Noah lifted his head in Olivia's direction, his eyes widened from his uncertainty.

She smiled at him reassuringly and rose from her chair. She looked at Eli and nodded her head towards Elliot, silently telling him she would bring Noah. Elliot rose to his full height as Olivia approached.

Noah looked relieved that Olivia was nearer and he pushed away from the sofa. He held his arms out to her as he brushed past Elliot's leg to get to her. She bent at the waist and her hands went under his arms to pick him up. Once he was safely balanced on her hip, Noah tried to get as close as possible, snuggling his head into the crook of her neck.

Olivia met Elliot's gaze over Noah's head. He looked disheartened and she knew he wanted to find some connection with Noah, something that would make Noah want to come to him. But he knew it wasn't that easy. His eyes lingered on them and Olivia had to look away from him, trying to convince herself she didn't see the longing which was buried within the disappointed expression.

Noah wriggled and Olivia pressed her lips to the crown of his head to calm him. She followed Elliot as he made his way over to Eli, who was washing his hands. After their hands were dry Elliot grabbed a bowl and a whisk as well as the ingredients from the fridge and cupboard. Eli dragged a small stool over to where Elliot placed the bowl on the counter and stepped on it to see.

Olivia stood in the corner of the kitchen holding Noah so he could watch. His head lifted a little, curious to see what Elliot was doing. One thing Olivia relished in was seeing Elliot interact with Eli. He was so relaxed and care free. It didn't seem forced, or new. It was natural. Olivia knew that was what scared him most about his relationship with his older children, that he had missed too much of their childhood for them to have a relationship now. Their time together over the past few weeks had proved Elliot wasn't missing out on that with Eli.

Elliot measured out the ingredients and let Eli tip them into the bowl. Once done, Elliot snagged three bananas from the fruit bowl. He peeled them and mashed two, while the third he cut in half and gave one part to Eli and the other he held out to Noah.

"Here you go Noah," Elliot said.

Noah straightened in Olivia's arms effectively putting more distance between himself and Elliot. His head tilted as he contemplated the piece of fruit which was being offered to him.

"Say 'ta' Noah, you like banana," Olivia prompted him.

"Ta," Noah said reaching out and took the banana from Elliot, turning it in his hand to examine it before he took a tentative bite from it. "Hmm," he hummed appreciatively while chewing it.

Elliot's lips curved into half a smile at Noah. Olivia caught his eyes, hoping he could see the apology there. He did but Elliot shook his head silently telling her it was okay, he understood. While she knew Elliot accepted her hands off approach, she wished he wouldn't. Her frustration crept up a notch. She was holding back and he was letting her. She wanted space, but she wished he would at least fight her on it, to show her the Elliot she once knew was still in there and hadn't been completely replaced by the docile one in front of her.

"Dad, can Noah and me stir the pancake mix?" Eli said as he swallowed the rest of his bit of banana.

"Yeah," Elliot said breaking eye contact with Olivia. "I'll start it off and you two can finish it."

Elliot picked up the whisk and mixed the ingredients together before adding the mashed banana. Olivia followed the movement of his arm, his muscles flexing as he rotated it to mix them together so it was easier for Eli and Noah to mix. Once it was to the consistency he wanted, Elliot looked at Noah. Knowing the toddler was still reluctant around him, he handed the whisk to Eli to show Noah what to do.

Eli stirred the batter a few times before raising the whisk, allowing the mix to fall off and create patterns as it flowed back into the bowl. Olivia tightened her hold on Noah as he craned his neck to see into the bowl.

"Is Noah going to stir the mix Dad?" Eli asked dropping the whisk into the bowl with a loud plop.

"If he wants to," Elliot said as he lifted the bowl off the counter and presented to the little boy in Olivia's arms.

Olivia shifted Noah slightly, holding him with one arm as she took hold of the whisk as Elliot held the bowl securely in front of her with both of his hands. She whirled the whisk around carefully and Noah's interest was captivated by the movement. Olivia rested the whisk against the rim of the bowl and took hold of Noah's hand to place it under hers on the handle of the whisk.

Noah's head swivelled to look at her for encouragement and she curled her hand over his tiny fist and moved it and the whisk. Noah's eyes widened as he saw the mixture move and a big smile grew on his face. Olivia felt his hand grasp the handle tightly and began to move his own arm rather than let her move it for him. She relaxed her grip on his hand, guiding him gently.

"He likes it," Eli said as he watched from beside his father.

"Yeah he does," Olivia agreed, pressing a kiss to Noah's forehead. Her eyes met Elliot's again, this time she allowed herself to see the adoration that was clearly present in his expression. There was none of the usual guilt, no apprehension. Her face warmed but she didn't look away. She missed that look. As much as they ignored these looks in the past, denied the connection they had, she found herself held in place by it.

Unfortunately that's when Noah decided to grab the handle of the whisk with his other hand and Olivia quickly removed her hand from the whisk to grab his waist as he lunged towards the bowl. He stirred the mix but with Olivia's hand dislodged he flicked some of the batter up and it hit Elliot in the mouth.

Olivia looked to Eli, whose eyes were wide with glee, and then to Noah, whose arm had stilled as his mouth formed a perfect 'o'. Finally back she turned back to Elliot, who to her amazement started laughing. Both children joined him and Noah released the whisk and rested back against Olivia, more content than he was.

"Nice shot Noah," Elliot said placing the bowl back on the counter and grabbing the kitchen towel to wipe his mouth clean and then another bit to wipe the excess off of his shirt. "At least I know it tastes good."

Olivia let out a chuckle, feeling much more relaxed than she had. She felt the residual tension leave her body as she watched Elliot pour the batter into a jug and heated the pan on the stove. Elliot poured the batter into the pan. He opened the pack of chocolate chips and tipped them into a small bowl and held them out to Eli. "You can make the faces Buddy," Elliot directed him.

Eli dipped his hand into the bowl and picked out some of the chips and proceeded to drop them over the pan to create faces in the pools of batter. Soon they were sat back at the table; Elliot sat on one side, Eli the other as Noah perched on Olivia's lap as she cut his pancake into fingers for him to pick up with his hands.

Noah watched Eli stab a piece of pancake with his fork and eat it happily before reaching out to pick up a stick of the pancake to take a huge bite. "Hmm," he mumbled as he took another bite.

"Slow down Noah," Olivia said. "Do you like them?" Noah nodded as he swallowed the pancake. "Thanks for lunch, they look good," Olivia said to Elliot.

"You sound surprised," Elliot replied.

"I am," Olivia admitted. She speared her own pancake with her fork. "I never imagined…" she trailed off.

Elliot's eyes softened and nodded. "Well, I didn't before I left the job," he admitted. "And it's probably the only thing I can make. Everything else I burn."

Olivia smiled at the tiny bit of information about his new life. In response she popped the triangle of pancake into her mouth. "They're good," she told him.

…

Hours later they lounged on Elliot's sofa, the credits from Disney's version of _The Jungle Book _were rolling on the television screen. Olivia's head lulled sleepily against the cushion of Elliot's sofa. Noah was cradled against her protectively, fast asleep under the blanket Elliot had draped across them while watching the movie.

Eli's head lay flat on the cushion he dragged on to the carpet when he had laid down there to watch the film. He soft snoring barely audible over the music from the television. In her peripheral vision Olivia saw Elliot lift the remote and turn the television off.

Outside the storm still raged and in the distance Olivia heard the thunder rumbling. At some point Elliot had turned on the lamp beside him, the murky weather making it seem later than it was. Olivia rolled her head to the side to look at Elliot only to find him studying her as he mirrored her position on the other side of the sofa.

The guilt had returned, only this time there was no hesitation. He knew, she realised. He had always known how to read her. His eyes softened and she knew he was going to say it for her. Save her from saying it.

"You don't want to do this anymore," he stated gently, sorrowfully. There was no question in his voice.

Olivia sighed, trying not to disrupt Noah's slumber. "It's not that," she told him quietly. "I never thought this would be easy, but I thought it would be easier." She waited a beat as that thought sank into both their heads. "Why aren't you fighting back at me?" She asked him.

"We've been doing this for over a month, and I'm following your lead here Liv," he bit out, stressing her name. "I'm not saying anything because you're not talking to me."

"Why is it up to me?" Olivia asked, trying to control her voice so not to disturb the children.

"Because I'm scared that every time I open my mouth to say something, you're gonna realise you made a mistake by agreeing to this." Elliot looked away then, pushing himself back and up, straightening his back. Olivia blinked as she watched him.

"I didn't make a mistake Elliot," she told him.

"You asked me what I want from you," Elliot replied still looking away from her, his voice distant but full of emotion. "But what I want to know is what you want from me."

His turned to face her then, pinning her with his emphatic stare. Her mouth opened but her breath caught in her throat. She had no idea how to answer him, not without causing an argument and she didn't want that with the children present. Elliot looked defeated as the silence prevailed.

They were dragged out of their deadlock stare as Noah shifted against Olivia's chest, babbling softly but he remained asleep. Elliot tilted his head to look at him, smiling wistfully.

"He's so much like you Liv," Elliot said studying Noah. Olivia dropped her chin to gaze down at her son. "He's headstrong and cautious all at the same time," Elliot chuckled lightly. "Good aim too, I'll give him that."

Olivia smiled but it wasn't a happy one. "Yeah, sorry about that," she replied.

Elliot shook his head. "Don't worry. The first time I made pancakes with Eli, he knocked the whole bowl over me." Olivia laughed gently at the image. "I miss that," Elliot said gravely.

Olivia frowned. "What?"

"Your laugh." It was Elliot's turn to sigh when Olivia kept her attention on Noah. "I love spending time with the kids, you know that. But I want to spend time with you too, get to know you again. You may not be ready to hear it but that's my answer to your question."

Olivia leant forward and pressed her lips to Noah's head, resting them there. She missed Elliot. This was new territory for them, and this time without the protection of regulations.

"I miss talking to you," Olivia admitted, speaking into Noah's hair. "That's all I wanted to do when you first left, I thought if I heard your voice everything would all be okay."

"I want to say the right thing, but I don't know what that is," Elliot replied.

"I don't want an apology," Olivia stated calmly. "You were right, I don't want to hear that."

"But you're not sure if you want more than that either."

Olivia raised her head. If it were anyone else she would have railed at them for putting words in her mouth. But he was right. He knew her better than anyone else and that's what she was holding herself back from.

Maybe it was time to hold on to it instead.

'_You__ will never lose anything by loving but you will always lose by holding back.__' – Unknown_


	12. Chapter 12

**Author Note – Thanks to everyone who is still following the story. I'm glad you're still enjoying it. I'm trying something different for this chapter and I'm going to be switching between Elliot's and Olivia's perspective, each change will be highlighted by a line divide. For the Guest who asked what 'ta' meant, it means thank you. In my family we've always taught it to babies when they start to talk so they get used to saying it. If you have a few minutes to spare, please let me know any thoughts you have.**

References – chapter twelve

"_I wanted to tell her everything, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently, maybe I'd be there with you now instead of here. Maybe... if I'd said, 'I'm so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything,' maybe that would have made the impossible possible. Maybe, but I couldn't do it, I had buried too much too deeply inside me. And here I am, instead of there."  
― __Jonathan Safran Foer__, __Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close_

Olivia carefully laid Noah in the centre of Elliot's bed, covering him with his plush blue blanket as he rolled onto his side to his preferred sleeping position. She grabbed pillows from the head of the table and placed them around him to stop him from rolling off the bed. Once she was happy with arrangement she perched on the edge and watched him for a moment, wishing she could find the peace that her son did so easily. Unable to resist, she leant down to place a small kiss on his forehead.

"Good night Noah," Olivia whispered as she straightened herself.

She smiled softly as he wriggled his head to snuggle into Elliot's comforter. She placed the stuffed bunny next to him, so that he could reach it when he woke up, hoping it may alleviate the initial fear caused by waking in unfamiliar surroundings. It was with that thought that Olivia allowed herself to look up and around Elliot's bedroom.

Even in the dim light which was being cast by the lamp on the bedside table, she could see it was tidy except for the batter splattered shirt which had been discarded on the chair in the corner. It was masculine, minimal but comfortable. There were photos of his children on the dresser which sat against the wall opposite the end of the bed; a few she recognised but there were others which had obviously been taken in the last few years.

Rain battered against the window causing Olivia look at it. Through the half slanted slats of the blind she could see the rain running down the window, fresh drops hitting it every few seconds, blurring the night view of the city. It was late and the storm hadn't let up yet, it had only gotten worse. Even though it was a relatively short journey to her apartment Olivia didn't want to be out driving in it with Noah, which was why she had taken Elliot up on his invitation to stay, offering his bed so Noah could rest more peacefully.

She heard the low noise of the television from the living room through the open door way. She could also hear Elliot talking to Eli as he tucked him into bed. She smiled when she heard the boy laugh followed by the low rumble of his fathers' chuckle.

Noah stretched slightly and for a second Olivia thought he was going to wake up but then his body sagged and relaxed. Olivia smiled sweetly at her son's movements and lifted a hand to stroke his head reassuringly. His head moved into her hand, chasing the contact but he remained asleep.

A shadow filled the doorway and Olivia looked up to see Elliot standing there watching them, his arms crossed over his chest as he leant against the frame. She looked back to Noah as he moved under away from her hand, his body curling in on itself slightly. She stayed in that position, using the moment to reign in her emotions.

"_But you're not sure if you want more than that either."_

They had barely spoken since Elliot's statement a few hours ago. Noah had chosen that moment to stir against her chest, her reply lost as they refocused on the children. In the interlude she had time to rethink her response, and now she wasn't sure if she was ready to say it. Now the children were tucked into bed there would be no avoiding each other, no interruptions.

Breathing in Olivia raised her head to look at Elliot, finding his gaze still on them. His expression was blank, neutral and Olivia couldn't get a proper read on him as the light from the hall caused a shadow to cast across his face.

"Is he okay?" Elliot asked his voice low and gravely as he nodded at Noah.

Olivia resisted the urge to check on Noah again, instead she held Elliot's gaze. "He's fine," she replied gently. "Thanks for letting me lay him down in here." Elliot nodded but his stare didn't waiver. She wanted to know what he was thinking, wanted to know why he was staring at them like that. He looked like he was going to say something, his bottom lip dropping a fraction before it shut again as if he thought better of it. "What?" She asked softly.

That broke the spell of his reverie. "Nothing," he sighed. One hand waved in her direction. "I was just thinking this should have happened for you a long time ago."

Olivia bobbed her head with difficulty. "Like you said 'we can't change the past'," she replied.

"They were wrong to turn you down back then," Elliot pushed out and she could hear the underlying anger at the people who denied her the chance to adopt all those years ago.

Olivia shook her head. "Maybe, maybe not, but they had a point," she whispered. "There are times when I think that they were right. It's hard when I'm called to a scene in the middle of the night. Fin, Nick and Amanda are doing their best to make sure that doesn't happen but they have to call me sometimes. And it makes me feel like I'm letting them down because they're covering for me and then I think I'm letting Noah down because I'm working long hours and I can't be with him as much as I should."

Elliot stayed silent, listening to what she had to say and she was grateful for it. In the few months Noah had been placed with her, she had been plagued by the thoughts that she wasn't doing a good enough job with Noah. He would understand how she felt.

"It's hard when I miss out on a milestone. Lucy records them for me but it's different watching it on a screen than being there in person and I try not to think about if I had walked in a few minutes later I would never have seen him take his first steps."

"It's hard to find a balance," Elliot said, looking down at the floor briefly. "There's nothing I can say that's gonna stop you from thinking that, I wish there was but thinking that is a sign that you're a good parent, wishing there was more you could do. You're always gonna second guess whether you're doing the right thing."

"That's not reassuring me," Olivia told him sadly.

"But it's the truth," Elliot replied with a soft exhale. "Noah doesn't know the difference Liv," he stated more confidently.

"What about when he's older? When he thinks that my job is more important than him?"

"There are going to be times when he's resentful, but he will always know you love him. Don't forget that." He's speaking from experience, and imploring her to trust in what he's saying. "We can't change the past, but we can't predict the future either. You don't know what's going to happen between now and then."

Something inside of her clicked and she pushed off of the bed, brushing past him as she walked out of the room. She made her way down the hall all too aware of his footsteps following her. She was already pacing the living room when he entered behind her.

"Liv?" Elliot asked carefully.

One hand rested on her hip and the other lifted to cover her mouth, her fingers drumming on her lips angrily. "I just…" she trails off, her pacing stops but she doesn't turn to face him. "I don't understand why you're being this supportive." Pause. "Now."

"I've always wanted this for you," Elliot insisted. "I know how much this means to you."

"You were never this supportive with Calvin," Olivia prodded, exhaling harshly. Finally she turns just in time to see him shake his head defiantly.

"That situation was completely different," he said. His hands held onto his hips but he stood his ground. "It was only supposed to be temporary and I could see how fast you were falling for the fantasy. I could see how it was gonna end and I didn't want you to get your heart broken, but that was beyond our control."

Elliot sighed. "Calvin loved you Liv, and he won't forget that you saved him. But he wasn't your son," his eyes narrowed. "Noah is. Liv, nothing is gonna change that."

"Really?" she asked, sniffling slightly. "Because it feels like they can take him away at any moment. I don't have any support outside of Fin, Nick and Amanda, but we work together and have the same schedule. There's Lucy, but she's not-"

"You have me," Elliot said softly but his sincerity cut her off. "And Eli," he added as an afterthought when she looked at him sharply.

Olivia relaxed but she still shook her head to refute his claim. "I don't want to drag them into this, it gets too complicated."

"I'm here for you," Elliot insisted. He takes one step closer but stops when she looks at him pointedly. "I know you're scared and you're worried about not doing enough, but you're doing what you can. I want to help, let me," he said almost pleadingly.

"I'm not ready for you to be a bigger part of our lives yet Elliot," Olivia countered. She could feel the sweat on her palms and the erratic beating of her heart in her chest. He didn't want to be a part of this; she tried to convince herself, wanting to ignore the offer in his voice.

…..

She was right; now wasn't the time for him to be a bigger part of their lives. They weren't ready for that. Elliot wanted to wait till they were both aware of where they stood with one another before thinking about broaching this conversation. While they agreed to move past his abrupt departure from her life, he still had a long way to go before he earned her trust again. Noah wasn't sure around him, and for the baby to trust him Olivia would have to trust him.

It was like he was sitting on the side lines, watching the most precious thing he'd ever witnessed. He was enthralled by Olivia and Noah when he saw them together and he couldn't look away, drawn to them. Noah may not be hers biologically but that didn't make any difference, she loved him with her whole heart. Watching her love her son like that was hypnotic, mesmerising.

Olivia Benson was a mother.

Finally.

Elliot silently cursed everyone who stood in the way of that for so long, himself included. He had been selfish in his relationship to her. She knew more about him than anyone, understood him better. It had snuck up on them both, only to be thrown by the intensity which deepened as they became more aware of it. For years he had kept her at arms-length, very aware how deep their connection was, scared of the ramifications. He had been childish and jealous whenever she met anyone new, feigning innocence when anyone called them on it. That was why she tried to keep that part of her life private, because she knew if the job didn't push them away, he would, so he could keep her, even when he could never have her.

In his eyes no one would ever be good enough for her. Not even himself.

Elliot starts to clear his throat to say something, anything, but her voice cuts him off.

"You don't want to be a part of this Elliot," she told him forcefully. "You've done this five times already and you were petrified when you found out about Eli. I'm not saying you don't love him; I know that you do, more than anything. But you can't honestly tell me that you weren't caught off guard when Kathy fell pregnant with him."

Elliot straightened his back and pushed out his chest defensively as his fists clenched then unfurled. He wanted to deny her claim, tell her she was wrong. She wasn't. It wasn't just what she said, it was the way she said it. Resigned, detached. He had been completely blindsided by Eli's conception, returning to a marriage he'd almost given up on.

He sighed. He didn't want to fight with Olivia. She was only doing this to push him away, to protect herself and Noah. In the years he had been out of her life, he made himself a promise not to let her go again without telling her what she meant to him. His attempt of fulfilling that promise was causing her all kinds of confusion.

Elliot wanted nothing more than to be a part of Olivia's life with Noah and to be more than just a bystander. He wanted her to know he was going to be there for her and Noah. Elliot held his tongue because it would cause further doubt, not in his sincerity but in the future. They both needed to slow down, step back. Elliot had only been back in her life for little over a month and they had barely said anything to one another on the children's playdates. The fact still remained he had always wanted this for her no matter what his role in it was.

"You're right, it was a surprise," Elliot told her trying to keep all of the defensiveness out of his voice. "But he's my second chance at being a dad, and I'm trying to rectify with him what I didn't do with the older ones," he swallows heavily. "I know how much having your own family means to you, Liv. I guess there was part of me that thought I'd be a part of it. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch you with Noah?"

"Yeah, I do," Olivia replied with a quick lip quirk to belie the anguish she tries to hide.

His mouth drops open automatically but no words come out. She watched him for years, and he kept her on the side lines all that time. He nods quickly a couple of times, swallowing the lump in his throat. He focuses on the floor, anywhere but her. Guilt sets in quickly and multiplies when coupled with his thoughts from a few moments ago. He wanted to be honest with her, but he wasn't sure whether she was ready to hear it.

"I didn't just want to be a part of it; I wanted to do this with you."

Elliot hears her sigh, but he keeps his focus on the carpet apprehensive about her reaction, verbal or otherwise. He can almost hear her shake her head. He waits for her to grab her bag and brush past him to get Noah before slamming her way out of his apartment, out of his life. But she doesn't.

Instead when the anticipation gets too much for him, Elliot looks up to see her gathering the toys the children had played with before going to bed. She is shaking her head though. But it gives him hope that she hasn't stormed out, and for the time being she doesn't intend to.

"Don't," Olivia whispered. She doesn't look at him, but her head is tilted in his direction. There's a warning in her voice and he's tired of backing down.

"I'm not asking for anything more Liv," Elliot explained. "I'm trying to talk to you, like you asked."

He had changed in the three years since he had seen Olivia. Become more cautious, learnt to control his temper, learnt to be honest. This was what was confusing her; it was too much for her. This was where she usually ran, but something was holding her in place.

Noah.

That was why he'd held his tongue, his frustration building inside of him at their weekly meetings where they barely said anything. She wasn't the only who was annoyed by it.

His words hang between them and all he can do is watch as Olivia stops picking up, staring resignedly at the sofa.

"There was a time when I wanted you to do this with me," she whispered. "But at the same time I knew we could never have that."

It's painful to hear. It's more painful when Olivia turns to face him and he can see the blank expression there. She had accepted this a long time ago, given up on him, on them. His heart breaks because he had never seen her defeated. He had no idea how someone could be headstrong but be vulnerable at the same time, confident but cautious. Not many people got to see through her façade, and he would be forever grateful that she trusted him enough to let him.

"Things are different now," Elliot tried to tell her, but he knows it's a futile gesture.

Her brow scrunches and her head tilts to the side inquisitively. "How?" She asked and he doesn't answer because he knows it's rhetorical. "Our circumstances may have changed but it still doesn't mean that we have. Our history means that we won't."

They've never really been honest with one another but Elliot has been more open with Olivia than anyone else, he's never lied to her outright but he's held the truth back. So has she. In that instant, Elliot decided that has to change.

"We haven't talked in three years Elliot, and before that we didn't really talk. We understood each other, but that doesn't mean we know each other."

"You know me better than anyone else," he argues. Olivia knew about his history, his family. And he knew about her.

"And that's still not enough," she replied defiantly.

"Maybe it's too much," he said forcefully.

She refuses to answer him just bends to pick up Noah's discarded sippy cup before brushing past him to walk into the kitchen.

He follows her, watching as she rinses the cup under the tap before bracing herself against the sink. She draws in deep shaky breaths, slightly hunched over. They stand like that for a long moment until her breaths become shallow and even out.

"There's no point thinking about this anymore. It never happened before, and it won't happen now." Olivia shakes her head. "We never would've worked."

"You want to know why? Because you meant more to me than just an affair."

…..

Maybe that's why they thought it was more than it was. Because they had never given in to temptation. Because they had never given themselves a chance.

"Do you sometimes wonder how it could have been if we let it happen once? Just to get it out of our system." She asks softly. A long pause of silence greets her and she wonders if it was too quiet for him to hear properly. But then he steps forward, stopping just outside of her personal space.

"A lot more than I should," Elliot admits, just as quietly. "I think it could have solved a whole lot of our issues back then. At least we would have known." He pauses, steps closer but not too close. "But for the last two months I've realised that would never have worked, because after kissing you, I want to kiss you again." It wasn't really a question, he was making a point.

"That wasn't a kiss, that was a goodbye."

'_That's all it was,'_ she insisted to herself.

That night she hadn't been aiming for his lips, but he had claimed hers. A gentle pressing against her lips. She couldn't deny wanting to feel more, wanting to know more than the feel of his lips on hers, wondered how they would feel on other parts of her body. But their first and only wasn't about getting to know someone new. It was about letting go of their past, saying goodbye to it, being able to move on with their lives without that niggling regret which had plagued them.

They weren't meant to see each other again afterwards.

She feels the air around her change, the hair on her arms stands up and she feels him come closer. He stops close behind her and he doesn't reach out to touch her but she can feel his breath on the nape of her neck and she wonders if it would feel different as it caressed her lower lip. She tries to push the traitorous thought away, she needed to focus.

"So you haven't thought about?" Elliot quirks an eyebrow at her and Olivia inwardly curses herself when she looks away. He smiles knowingly. "Then why do you insist it wouldn't work?"

"Because it wouldn't. It never did before, we both ran in the opposite direction. We argued and yelled. We spent more time fighting than-"

His hand grasps her arm and spins her to face him. If it had been anyone but him they wouldn't have gotten away from it. They've argued in the past, gotten in each other's faces, but he's never touched her during the confrontations. The action surprises them both and they stand toe to toe and his face hovers close to her face, his eyes fierce. Their breathing is deep and ragged, in time with the other, regaining control of their bodies, reigning in the adrenaline coursing through them.

"We didn't try this before. And I'm not the one who ran," he tells her sharply.

"We needed time apart, Elliot. We were too close, too complicated." Her chin rises, she's not going to back down. Ever since her abduction she'd flinched inwardly during any kind of confrontation. Verbal or physical, it didn't matter which, she's held back for a second longer than she should. That pause doesn't come with Elliot. She's not afraid of him because deep down there's still that trust in her old partner that he would never hurt her.

"I told you I couldn't lose you and you walked away."

Their stare holds and it's almost like they've gone back in time, erased the eight years since that moment in the hospital. Then his eyes soften a little in surrender, but she's not ready to let it drop so quickly, her frustration of weeks, years, of silence finally snapping.

"I came back, you didn't," Olivia replied angriliy.

"I'm here now," he argued back at her.

"Not because you wanted to be, Munch came to you. I always wanted to come home from Oregon." She pauses, her eyes flick to his hand which was on her forearm. He follows her gaze and his hand drops away and he leans back. He's not saying anything. Not arguing with her claim, but she wants him to. She wants him to tell her that he always wanted to come home.

To her.

He isn't lying to her. And she won't lie to him. "Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I never came back from Oregon."

…

He thinks about Oregon too. He thinks how their lives could have been different. He thinks of the life he wanted her to have. She could have broken away from the job and all that tethered her to it. Her mother, her father, her conception.

Him.

She could have thrived. She could have left it all behind and had the family she craved. The one he wanted her to have. The one she had now.

Elliot studies her as she tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, but it falls down almost immediately and Elliot wants to slide his own fingers through the strands and push it back for her.

"Would it be better for you if I never came back?" Elliot asks, bracing himself as he waits for her answer.

….

It would have been easier for her. He made her life more complicated and made her yearn for her life before she met him. But for all of the heartache and tragedy they witnessed and dished out to each other, Olivia wouldn't trade it for anything. Because if she didn't have the nightmares she wouldn't have the memories she cherished.

"No," she replied. They're finally being honest with one another and it's too calm. She expected the confrontation, the shouting, the curling of a fist as they fought the urge to hit something. She could deal with that. She can't deal with the tranquillity which has claimed the air around them. "No matter how difficult things get with us, I want you here."

"I want to be here," Elliot breathes out.

Olivia wants to take a step back but she's blocked by the sink. He glance shifts between her eyes and her lips and she knows what he intends to do. It's too soon. She holds up her hand to stop him before he leans in.

"Don't," she says more calmly than she feels. "Don't do something you'll regret later."

Elliot's body tenses. "You think that I'll regret this?"

Olivia sighed. "I think you've done this five times and I don't think you're ready to do it for the sixth. I think you need to figure out what you really want, what's going to make you happy."

Elliot contemplates her for a beat before stepping away. "Then promise me that you'll do the same."

She returns his empathic stare, open mouthed. They're giving each other an out if they want or need it. She nods once. "I will," she promises.

"Just keep in mind I meant what I said Liv," Elliot tells her. "I want to be here."


	13. Chapter 13

**Author note – thank you all for the wonderful comments on the last chapter (mucus on the brain made me doubt it). I'm sorry this chapter took a bit longer than usual to get done; I have had a busy week in real life. I would love to what you all think of this instalment. **

References – chapter thirteen

"_I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."  
― __Marilyn Monroe_

Elliot tried not to listen as Olivia talked into her phone. He took a drink of his water while she paced the kitchen. It was just after midnight and the film they had been watching was still on pause. He was well aware that their evening was coming to an abrupt end.

"I'll see you soon Fin, I just have to phone Lucy and drop Noah off. I'll be there as soon as I can," Olivia sighed into the phone. Elliot gave up feigning disinterest and turned sideways on the sofa to watch as she listened to Fin's parting words before hanging up the phone. She looked tiredly at the phone for a moment before she started scrolling through her contacts.

"You don't need to phone Lucy," Elliot told her.

Her hand paused and she looked at him. "I need to go Elliot," she replied sadly.

"I can stay with Noah till you get back or till Lucy comes in the morning," Elliot offered. He nodded at the phone. "How bad?"

She blinked, licking her lips. "Woman, signs of sexual assault, strangled. Fin thinks it's linked with a case from last week."

Elliot nodded, knowing what was going through her mind at the moment. She looked torn between her obligations to Noah and to the job. His eyes travelled over her. Her hair was clipped back, loose strands falling about her face. She was wearing her favourite sweater and faded jeans, she was comfortable and he'd never seen her more beautiful. It was the first time they had been relaxed in each other's presence since they had started meeting outside of the playdates in an effort to get to know one another again.

Elliot took it as a good sign that Olivia was suggesting things to do rather than him asking her. They were talking more, not much, usually about what they were doing or the film they were watching. But it was progress.

"I can't ask you to stay Elliot," Olivia insisted.

"You're not asking, I'm offering," he countered, rising from the sofa to walk to the kitchen. "It means you don't have to disrupt Lucy or Noah."

Her head tilted to the side, contemplating his offer. She drew her lower lip between her teeth, gnawing it lightly. She glanced in the direction of Noah's room. He'd been asleep by the time Elliot arrived and hadn't woken up. He knew Olivia was weighing up the possibility of Noah waking up without her or Lucy to comfort him.

"Lucy doesn't know you Elliot," she replied cautiously.

"If you're not back before she gets here, call her and let her know," Elliot said calmly. Olivia glanced towards the bedroom again. "We'll be fine Liv."

She contemplated him for a long moment before her face softened. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Elliot drawled out with a nod. "We'll be fine Liv," he repeated.

"Okay," she finally relented. "Um, he's been sleeping through till six but I think he's got another tooth coming through. There's teething gel in his bag and the bathroom cupboard and there's a soother in the fridge." Her arm gestured towards where everything was. Once she was done she pinned Elliot with a long look, wondering if there was anything she'd forgotten. Her eyes shifted and looked at the sofa behind him.

"The sofa will be fine Liv," Elliot assured her as he turned to the piece of furniture.

"Take my bed, I won't be using it tonight," Olivia insisted with a shake of her head.

"Go get ready Liv, I'll figure it out," Elliot told her. He wouldn't be using her bed, he thought to himself. He'd remembered how the scent of her perfume lingered in his room after she'd slept there with Noah a few weeks ago, how distracting it was when he tried to sleep no matter how much he washed his sheets. He could only imagine how bad the insomnia would be like in her room. The sofa was quite comfortable, and he'd slept on worse.

That seemed to snap her out of the sudden panic she had been in. Her curved up but did not form a proper smile. "Thank you," Olivia told him but before he could reply she disappeared into her bedroom to get changed.

As he listened to Olivia move around her bedroom, Elliot started to clear the living room. By the time she re-emerged, he was starting the washing up. The sweater and jeans replaced by a professional shirt and pants. She stopped short at the end of the kitchen, and Elliot kept his focus on the sink. He knew what she was thinking, the slight spike of panic which wasn't only due to the late night, probably all night, call out but mostly caused by the all too domesticated scene in front of her. He had to admit it only just occurred to him how it looked. He chanced a glance at her. Olivia blinked a few times in disbelief but he didn't comment, wanting her to take her own time to get used to it.

"You didn't have to…" she trailed off, gesturing to his arms which were descended into the sink of bubbles.

"It's fine," Elliot reassured her as he placed another plate on the draining board. Olivia still looked guilty, but Elliot knew there was little he could do to alleviate that. "Fin needs you Liv."

She nodded tiredly, exhaling softly. "Thanks, I'll um ring you when I know what's going on."

"Try not to worry Liv," Elliot said quietly. "Noah and I will be okay."

Her expression softened. "I know that," she smiled sadly. "I don't doubt you Elliot; it's more that I have to go."

"I remember that feeling," Elliot empathised, sobering gently.

Her eyes widened knowingly. "It doesn't change the fact that I have to go though."

"No but we can talk later," he offered. "If you want," he added with trepidation, waiting for her to rebuke his offer.

Even though Olivia straightened and shouldered her bag she still surprised Elliot by giving him a tiny bob of her head. "Okay," she agreed. "I need to go." With that she brushed past Elliot, and he breathed in discreetly. "Goodnight Elliot."

"Night Liv," he replied just before he heard the door open and close.

….

Fifteen minutes later Olivia was ducking under the crime scene tape which was held up for her by the uniformed officer. She scanned the crowd of crime scene techs and other officers to locate Fin. She saw Amanda at the edge of the scene with another uniformed officer and a young man who looked distressed and was gesturing at the other side of the cordoned off area. Her gaze followed the man's arm and found Fin standing over the body as the medical examiner crouched over the body.

She strode confidently over to them. Fin looked up when he heard someone approach, his pen pausing on the page of his notebook. His brow rose in surprise.

"That was fast," he said.

Olivia could hear the question in his voice, the slight concern. She winced inwardly, not wanting to admit why she was early, but a small part of her wanted to acknowledge it. "Elliot is staying with Noah," she explained quickly and pushed past Fin to focus on the body, ignoring his shock.

She instantly regretted it. The examiner was holding the white sheet up at an angle, and Liv could see the body. The sight of the blonde young woman, who couldn't have been more than twenty, laying with one leg bent awkwardly as if she died trying to push herself off the ground made Olivia shudder. Her clothing was torn and her skirt was scrunched around her waist. There was no sign of underwear. Olivia closed her eyes briefly to calm the sudden panic which was affecting her more deeply recently than it ever had before.

The victim had died fighting. And lost.

She felt the bile rising to the back of her throat and could almost taste it. She swallowed it back as she rose to her full height. She discreetly drew in a deep breath and blew it back out slowly as she regained control of her reaction. She cast a sideways glance at Fin, but he was the picture of professionalism and focused back on the case.

"The victim was found by the guy who was taking a short cut through the park," he gestured to the man who Amanda was wrapping up with. "He was late to meet his girlfriend who works in a bar opposite the south exit. Amanda's just finishing with him."

"Get a uniform officer to take him and make sure he's got a girlfriend to meet," Olivia replied looking over to the blonde detective.

The witness had taken out a phone and was scrolling through his contacts before he pressed it to his ear. As he started to speak he turned away from Amanda. She was rereading through her notes. She tapped the arm of the uniformed officer then pointed with her pen at the witness. The officer nodded as she retreated to Olivia and Fin.

"Officer Turner's going to get him home, they're going to swing by and make a stop for the girlfriend too. He's pretty distressed," Amanda commented as she folded over her notebook and tucked her pen through the spiral.

"Good," Olivia approved. She turned her attention to examiner who rose to start packing away. "What have you got?"

"There's contusions on her neck which suggests she was strangled. Signs of sexual assault, we found her torn underwear about a meter from the body. It looks like she fought back; defensive wounds and a few of her nails are bloody so I'm hoping she got a chunk of whoever did this."

"I hope we get a hit in CODIS if she did," Olivia nodded.

"I won't know much else till we get her back to the morgue," the examiner told her. "I'll let you know when I've got more." He lifted his arm as two of the techs rolled the stretcher to the opposite side of the body. "We're ready to move the body, if you are."

Olivia looked to Fin to make he sure he had the other details and his chin rose to confirm her silent question. She gave the examiner a nod. "Let me know as soon as you've got something."

"Of course," he replied and then worked with the techs to start manoeuvring the body bag onto the stretcher.

She stepped away from them, beckoning for Amanda and Fin to do the same, to give them space to do their job. "There are definite similarities to the case last week. Amanda can you pull the file and run the background of both victims and see if there is any overlap between them, double check if they're random attacks. Also run a check on the witness. Fin, can you run it through VICAP? This is a fairly open space and it seems more confident than last week's attack, maybe he's had more practice than we thought." They both nodded.

Olivia briefly met Fin's eyes, and swiftly looked away. Despite his neutral expression she knew he was wondering about her opening statement to him and caught her reaction to the body. She knew he would be concerned, he would be supportive but he would let her deal with it in her own way. She saw his face turn serious and they silently agreed to make their way towards the cars.

"Let's get back to the house, it's gonna be a long night," Fin said as unlocked the car.

…

Nearly an hour and a half after Olivia left the apartment Elliot was jolted awake by the sound of whimpers from the baby monitor which was set up on the coffee table. He relaxed a little and waited a moment to see if Noah would resettle himself but the whimpers turned into full blown sobs.

Pushing the blanket to the side, Elliot rose from the sofa ignoring the twinges in his back as he did so. Dressed only in his tee and boxers Elliot padded softly into the toddlers bedroom. He found the little boy standing in the corner of his crib which was closest to the door. He was rubbing his eyes sleepily and hiccupping lightly from crying, the tears rolling down his face.

"Hi Noah," Elliot said gently.

The crying paused as Noah looked up at him in surprise, but it was momentary as Noah realised it wasn't the adult he wanted to be there. The boy sniffled loudly before the crying resumed. Elliot approached, his eyes scanning the cot for his pacifier. His hands rested on either side of Noah as he located it and he bent slightly to retrieve it. Elliot touched it to Noah's lip and was relieved when he opened his mouth to accept it even though he still continued to cry around the soother.

"Come on little man," Elliot said as he slipped his hands under Noah's arms and lifted him from the crib. Noah raised his arms to help Elliot, but his cries continued. He was quickly settled on Elliot's hip and gripped onto Elliot's neck with his tiny hands. "Are your teeth hurting, huh?"

Noah mumbled something into his neck and Elliot shifted his head to look at him. "What was that Noah?" He asked as he curled his finger around the hoop of the soother. He realised it enough so Noah could repeat what he said.

"Ma," Noah cried before snuggling sleepily into Elliot shoulder, wanting any form of comfort.

"Sorry buddy, she had to go to work," he shook his head to let Noah know Olivia wasn't coming. Noah moaned a little and his tears began to pool on Elliot's shirt. He felt Noah's heavy diaper and looked around the bedroom. Moving over to the changing table, he laid the baby down and grabbed a new diaper and the wipes. Elliot placed a hand over Noah's stomach as he started to wriggle around on the table, his arms reaching out to Elliot as he tried to sit up. "Let me change your diaper and then we can sort out that new tooth of yours, huh," Elliot told Noah.

Elliot managed to change the diaper quickly despite the fidgeting child and soon Noah was perched on his hip once again as he walked into the dimly lit living room to locate Noah's bag, all the while murmuring reassurances to the whimpering child. Finding the bags on the kitchen counter he hunted through it to find the teething gel. He rinsed his hands before smearing some on his finger. He pulled Noah's dummy out of his mouth and spread the gel around the teat before replacing it his mouth.

"Um." Noah murmured appreciatively as he sat up a little straighter in Elliot's arms, sucking loudly on the pacifier as he realised there was a new taste to it.

"That's going to make you feel better," Elliot assured him, wiping away a stray tear. The crying had finally died down and Elliot wandered back into Noah's room. He stood at the crib and started to lower Noah down but the toddler tightened his grip, both of his arms wrapping tightly around Elliot's neck as he struggled against being laid down. Elliot straightened and looked at Noah expectantly. "It's bed time buddy."

Noah just shook his head and pointed into the cot. "Bun," he mumbled around his soother.

Elliot looked down and saw the toy he had given Noah when he first found out about him. Elliot reached down and grabbed the bunny to give it to Noah.

"Ta," Noah said as he took the bunny with one hand and tucked it under his arm before laying his head on Elliot's shoulder.

Elliot leant his head against Noah's reassuringly, glad the little boy was starting to get used to him. After a long moment, Elliot went to start lowering him into the cot again. But Noah shook his head again and tightened his hold again, his fingers digging into Elliot as he held on. Elliot sighed and lifted Noah up again.

"Okay little man, just for a little while because you gotta get some sleep," Elliot replied softly into Noah's forehead. He placed a gentle kiss on the baby's crown. Elliot held him closer, hoping he would drift off again quickly. Noah relaxed into him, he was still sniffling occasionally but he seemed quite content now that the gel was taking effect. Pressing his cheek to the infants, Elliot noted that he seemed a little warm but that was just the teething.

After a few minutes of being held Noah's eyes started to grow drowsy again and he started to lull against Elliot's shoulder. Elliot waited till his eyes had been shut for a long moment before he began to lower Noah back into the cot. But Noah was jolted awake by the movement and let out a sharp cry as his eyes sprung open in alarm.

His arms flailed and he clung onto Elliot, shaking his head resolutely. Elliot sighed and brought him close once again. "It's bedtime now Noah," he told him calmly.

"Ma," Noah replied emphatically.

Elliot returned Noah's look. "I'll do you a deal," he said knowing Noah had no idea what blackmail was. "I take you in there to wait for your Ma, but you have to go to sleep."

Noah frowned back at him and Elliot almost laughed as the boy reminded him of Olivia, determination had set in and he wasn't going to back down no matter how tired he was. "Ma," he repeated.

Elliot had learnt not to argue with that look. "Let's go wait for your Ma."

He walked back into the living room, grabbed the blanket from the sofa before settling into the armchair with Noah. He laid the blanket so it was covering the boy. Noah looked around the room sadly and when he couldn't see Olivia he emitted a soft "Oh."

Noah cuddled the bunny closer and leant against Elliot for comfort. Elliot ran his hand gently up and down his back reassuringly, hoping the movement would lull him to sleep. Elliot leant his head to the side to look at Noah's face but he was focused on the bunny. Elliot watched Noah's hand as he stroked the fur gently like Elliot was doing to his back.

"You and I are going to have to come to some sort of agreement, Noah," Elliot breathed out. "Because your mother was right, I'm not sure if I want to do this again. But that doesn't mean that I don't want to be in your life, I do. I want to see you grow up, I want to go your baseball games because with that aim of yours, you're going be one hell of a pitcher." He paused as Noah shifted and his head settled completely on Elliot's chest. "Most of all, I want to watch your mother raise you. You don't this yet, and you won't realise this for a long time but you are the luckiest little boy."

Noah yawned and his pacifier almost fell out. He quickly closed his mouth and started sucking again. He blinked a few times and his lids drooped.

"She has so much love to give Noah, and nobody has ever let her show it. She loves you so much and will always do her best for you. And there going to be times when she has to go to work but I promise this is where she wants to be. I want you to promise me that when she walks through that door you'll always smile and give her a big hug, because that's what she'll need. She sees lots of bad things at work and she needs to remember there's a reason she's doing it. She's trying to make the world a little bit safer by the time you grow up."

Noah's hand touched his chin. Elliot smiled warmly when he saw Noah craning his neck to look at him. Noah blinked again, his eyes grew heavier. Elliot dropped his chin and pressed a kiss Noah's fingers. "Good night little man."

Noah let out a contented sigh and snuggled into Elliot's chest. Elliot kept watching as Noah finally surrendered to sleep once again. Not wanting to disturb the child again Elliot held him close, smiling when he heard the soft snores emanating from him.

"I'm not sure if I can do this Noah, but I'm going to try," he promised the sleeping child.

….

It was nearly three in the morning when Olivia opened the bathroom stall. She saw Amanda at the sinks, washing her hands and their eyes connected in the mirror. The blonde's lips twitched in acknowledgement as Olivia moved the sink one over from her right.

Out of the corner of her eye Olivia saw Amanda scrub her hands clean. Olivia quirked a brow at the amount of time Amanda was taking, obviously waiting for Olivia. She could almost hear the unspoken questions from the younger woman.

She originally ducked into the bathroom to send a message to Elliot to make sure everything was okay at home. She wondered if Noah had woken up, and if he had how he was reacting to Elliot being there instead of her. Fin had held his tongue about it and she was grateful. She didn't think Amanda would be so considerate.

"So did you have a date tonight?" Amanda asked as she rung her hands above the sink to shake the excess water.

"Excuse me?" Olivia tried to play off then sudden panic she felt.

"You were wearing a little bit more make up than usual," Amanda explained with a kind smile. "I was just wondering if you-"

"It wasn't a date," Olivia cut in. It had taken her a long time to get ready and decide what to wear though. Elliot had seen her in all sorts of outfits, which led to her to decide on her most comfortable one but she had taken her time over reapplying her make up. "A friend came over to watch a film."

Amanda nodded her head knowingly. "Is it the guy who dropped off Noah's bunny?"

"Yeah," Olivia admitted reluctantly. "Why?"

"No reason. He seems nice."

She could hear the prodding in Amanda's voice and Olivia fought not to roll her eyes; there were very few people she confided her private life in. She felt quite protective of the fact Elliot was taking care of Noah, maybe it was protecting the fantasy she once held dear to her. But she wanted to dispel the assumption the younger woman was making in her mind.

Because Olivia didn't want to assume tonight meant more than it did.

They had been comfortable sitting on her sofa. She hadn't been focused on the film really, wouldn't have been able to tell anyone the plot if they asked her about it. Her head had been lulling on the back of the sofa and she had fought the urge to drift off to sleep as she rolled to the side to find Elliot watching her. His hand had lifted and started moving towards her face.

But the shrill ring of her phone broke through the moment and his hand dropped back to his lap.

Elliot hadn't been the only one disappointed. She had been anticipating the feel of his hand on her cheek, cupping it, possibly moving closer.

Olivia shook her head.

"He's just a friend," she spoke out loud not really answering Amanda, more reiterating it to herself. Meeting Amanda's gaze in the mirror Olivia saw her own doubt being reflected back at her. But whereas her doubt bothered Olivia, Amanda was hopeful about her insistent denial.

"Okay," Amanda nodded with the beginnings of a playful knowing smile.

Olivia kept her face neutral but didn't reply. Amanda took the hint and backed away to dry her hands.

Elliot was just a friend.

….

When they had made no progress on the case nearly two hours later Olivia sent everyone home for a few hours' sleep. She slid the key in the lock of her apartment. She held her breath as the hinge creaked when she pushed it open. Olivia was surprised when she saw the dim light in the coming from the living room. She couldn't hear any crying as she quickly slipped off her coat to hang it on the hook.

She crept round the corner and stopped when she saw Elliot in the arm chair with Noah cradled against his chest, both of them fast asleep and snoring lightly. She couldn't help but smile at the scene even though she wondered what had happened. Olivia walked to them and brushed a kiss on Noah's forehead as she crouched down to get a better look at Noah. She reached out and caressed his cheek with the back of her index finger. His head moved slightly into her touch and she moved her hand away.

Olivia looked up to find Elliot looking back at her with the same fascination that he had earlier. In that moment all the doubt she felt earlier disappeared and Olivia was unable to fight the urge to reach out to his face and cup his jaw as she straightened her legs. Leaning over Noah, Olivia placed the other hand on the back of the sofa to brace herself as she ducked her head to press her lips against Elliot's. Her nose brushed against his and she went to pull back but his hand sprang to her neck to hold her in place. She gasped at the action, opening her mouth to his. He took the opportunity and deepened the kiss. She allowed it for a moment before pulling back. Olivia wanted to yield to him but was mindful of the slumbering child between them.

His thumb moved languidly on her cheek as he looked at her warmly. "Good morning," he said huskily.


End file.
